Saturday, March 15, 2014

Is that me?!

It has been so busy I'm just trying to keep up and stay on top of everything that needs to get done before I head to Dallas! I can't believe it's almost time for me to go! I can't wait to see David and Elise and to run our half-marathon relay!! I was thinking of making team shirts for me and Elise but I'm not exactly sure what I would do...all I've come up with is a slogan for our team name, "Rapid Thigh Movement!" What is that slogan, you may ask? Well, I'm glad you asked...that would be, "Feel The Burn!" Hahaha I love it so much. Now for those of you who may be fortunate enough to have never experienced the pain of chafing let me tell you, count your blessings! There's something about the burn of chafed thighs that make you feel like you won't be able to walk straight for the rest of your life!!! Elise is creative and so it may be a project for us when I get there! (Not there yet and I'm already bossing them around...what are sisters for?!)

So at work this morning (technically yesterday morning now) I was super excited because there's a picture of me in a scrub top from around October and I am stunned by the difference I can now see. I wore that exact same scrub top this week and took a picture just so I could stare at the improvement that I could clearly see...

 This is one of the last times that I wore this scrub top because it was so tight on me...I just felt like a sausage being squeezed in the casing around it. This top was just trying to hold everything in place with every fiber and inch being pulled at the seams. I'm glad I have these pictures to look at because it is clear proof that my body is changing. This will be hard for some to understand and will sound silly to others but I'm going to share anyways. I still look in the mirror and see the 320 pound me. EVEN though I know that's not the case. When I look I still see the fat in my arms, in my stomach, and in my thighs. I cringe still because even though I know the weight is coming off I feel like I just stay the same. However, one difference that I see now when I look in the mirror and when I see these pictures is the smile on my face. In the older picture of me I see a girl who is suffocating. She's hiding behind a certificate, trying to put on a brave face and hide the pain inside. I see a girl who is afraid to share her hurt, her emotions, and her fears. I look at that picture and I feel myself holding my breath because that is how it feels to be obese...breathless. You're so entrapped in a body that you know isn't reflective of the person you are on the inside, but yet, you can't escape. 

But then I look at the pictures on the right...and I see a woman who is joyful, determined, unabashed, and set free. I see a woman who is fighting to live and to share that light and passion with the ones that surround her. I see a woman that has lost 60 pounds but gained so much more along the way...freedom, fight, determination, confidence...the list goes on and on. 

So while I still look in the mirror and feel like I'm seeing the 320 pound version of me I know that on the inside I am changing (even if I don't think that I can see it on the outside). That is why I'm so glad I have pictures to reflect and look back on and say to my brain, "YOU LIAR...I am not the same person I was in October!" This is something I have a feeling that I will struggle with for the rest of my life...but that's okay...because it's worth it!

Okay so enough of this serious talk! I'm super excited and wanted to share that today I ran two miles for the first time without stopping!!! WOOT!!! I ran it in 24 minutes! I set out on a 5 mile run today not planning to attempt running 2 miles straight, but when I started out I felt good and when I came to the point where I was supposed to walk I just wanted to keep going, I said, "no pressure, just go 'till you need to walk" (it also helped that Pandora was on a roll with their choice in music this go-round). I felt awesome after my run...and got soaked in sweat and rain along the way but it was so worth it...I sent this picture to Erika, David, and Elise telling them I felt complete euphoria after my run!

I don't know why but this always seems like the most appropriate pose!!

One more story...After my run I checked my mail and was surprised to see a box...I hadn't ordered anything that I could recall. So I opened the box and laughed so hard when I saw three containers of cookie butter! 2 months ago I remember ordering these because they were $3/3..but then they got back-ordered because they weren't in stock. Well I had completely forgot about it until I opened them up and beheld the tantalizing deliciousness before me! not try these at home...may lead to addiction!
So I may end up taking them with me to Dallas, and spreading the love with them!! Hehehe!!! I just thought how ironic it was that these showed up shortly after I murdered my last jar of cookie butter...I will say though it was not the brand pictured above that I destroyed. It was another brand that I continued to eat even though it was not nearly as satisfying and/or delicious as the above brand and I, therefore, no longer wished to waste calories on something that wasn't even as delicious as the above cookie butter!

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