Saturday, May 14, 2016

A Time For Silence...And a Time To Write

Sometimes I don't have anything to say. Now, for those of you who know me very well may feel that this is a lie...and while I may not always seem to be lacking in the vocabulary department...there are days, weeks, and months where I don't have anything to write about. It has been a time of silence for me. I'm thankful for the silence I've had....because I have learned about myself things that if I had continued to write I may not have discovered. I may not cover everything I've learned in this post (because it would take me days to write and who wants to read a post that long...lets be honest)....but I'll share the main themes I've learned and then I'll touch on them in greater detail in later posts. Today, right now, in this season, in this's time to write!

So what have I learned in this time of silence:

1) Weight is easy to gain :) (last weigh-in I was sitting at 259)
2) The scale and the number it reveals says nothing about my value as an individual
3) Everyone has a matter your age, gender, religion, career...we all struggle and need someone to love us anyways
4) This is not a quick fix...this is a forever earthly battle *SIGH*
5) Homemade food is delicious...but that also requires time...but it's worth the time!
6) People I don't know read my blog...and some of them have reached out to me...and knowing that you reading about my struggle encourages and motivates and helps you...makes the pain and the struggle worth it
7) Binge eating is still very real and such a struggle...especially at night right before I go to bed. 
8) Success needs a new definition

I would say those 8 items are the main themes that I've been learning about and walking through this year. I think the theme I want to walk through with you today is #8....Success needs a new definition. 

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary the definition of success is, "the correct or desired result of an attempt". While ultimately in order to know if you succeeded you have to set a desired goal. For me that was 170 pounds. That's how I would know that I had been successful is when I hit 170...and when I didn't in the amount of time that I would've liked I stopped...because to me I felt like a failure. Sure, I had lost 120 pounds but that wasn't enough for me. I got angry. And from the beginning of the year I've been struggling with this. I've been mean to myself. I've called myself a quitter...a failure...a mess up...a no-good-never-going-to-meet-my-goal girl. Lies, right!? 

I've had the opportunity to have some beautiful and vulnerable conversations with friends and acquaintances and strangers on their struggles and feeling like failures because they're not a certain weight, they can't run a certain pace, they can't this...they can't that...want to know something? I never saw any of them as a failure. I saw them as over-comers, fighters, strong, finishers, courageous...but when I spoke that to them they didn't want to hear it...they had told themselves what failures they were and were not open to seeing that not meeting a certain goal means you're a lost cause. 

It has been through these conversations that I've seen that I have been doing the same thing. When someone asked me about my half marathon I would say, "yeah I finished...but I didn't get the time I wanted..." "sure I've lost weight...but I've gained so much back..." We minimize what we've accomplished and maximize what we feel we failed at. I don't want to do that anymore! Yeah, sometimes on runs I have to walk, yeah, I've gained back weight, sure I'm not a fast swimmer, there are things that I wish were better...but I'm walking through this...and you know what?! It's amazing! 

I don't know yet what I think success for me will look like. In this moment though...success just looks like never quitting. Never giving up. Continuing down this journey. Fighting for fitness, for health, for joy, for peace. I'm not all about giving everyone a participation award...if you came in first place you earned that medal...but I'm also not about beating yourself up when you come in second, fifth, twentieth, or last...because guess what?! You finished! So in this moment success for me is just getting outside and being active. Success is speaking kindly to myself. Success is loving on others. Success is eating a little less chocolate and a little more veggies (because I feel better when I do this). That's success. 

You can agree or disagree...but don't beat yourself up if you don't finish a race in a certain time, if you haven't met your optimal goal today, if you're still struggling with your're walking through it...and that's success enough for this moment. I'll touch more on the other topics at a later time...but thank you for those who have encouraged me in my silence. For speaking truth to me when I was lying to myself. Life is a journey...I'm just taking it one step at a time!

Before I go I have to introduce a new friend of mine. I have never met Raelene before but she is friends with my oldest sisters and I had the pleasure of meeting her...and before we were even introduced she excitedly came running towards me saying, "OH MY GOSH!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!" and embraced me in the sweetest hug! It's moments like this that I'm so thankful for the opportunity to touch the lives of people I haven't even met face to face!'re so sweet, so precious, and so encouraging...thanks for loving on me!!! 

Me and Raelene <3