Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Grace, Mercy, and Love!

Well it has been a while since I've had some time to write an update. Sorry for slacking off! Lucky for you though I have a funny story to share so here I am...writing! First this Monday I weighed in at 201. I made a promise to my brother and sister that if I felt the urge to binge I would call them and talk it out with them. It's nice to know I have that support when I need's just a matter of actually taking it seriously and using my resources when I need them. I want to make it below 200...and only I have control over what I place in my mouth.

These past few weeks I've really been trying to dive deeper into what sets off binges for me. It's painful, humbling, humiliating, and frustrating. So, as you can tell, it's going really well...NOT! I think so many times I try to numb emotions instead of feeling whatever it is I'm going through. A pattern that is continuing to show up is that I have a tendency to put other peoples feelings above my own. I will literally be more uncomfortable and do something I'd rather not do in order to make someone else happy or comfortable. I suppose you can call it people pleasing...and as I write it I can hear how ridiculous it is....but it's so true. I have a hard time standing up for myself. I caught myself mid-binge a couple weeks ago and realized the reason I was binging is because I was letting someone else dictate my evening instead of standing up for what I really wanted and needed to have happen that night. I have been looking back and wishing I would've stood up for myself in certain situations...and then of course that leads me to ask myself, "Why don't you stand up for yourself?"...and then it just turns into this big 'ole mess and who has time to deal with that? Ha! So that's where I'm at with all of that but I'm working on it: painfully, slowly, and with a great deal of patience and grace. 

Anyways, I said I have a story to share..and share I shall! This afternoon I went for my run. I decided to do my long run today since I'm going out of town tomorrow and won't have as much time while I'm gone. I wanted to go run but was having a hard time deciding on a route and where I wanted to I did what I always do when I can't make up my mind about where to go on my run and hopped in my car and went to the Bosque Trail! As I was running on the bridge on Montano over the Rio Grande I was feeling pretty good and then, at 0.37 miles... BAM! I totally ate the ground...or rather, my knees ate the ground. Thankfully I was running along side the fence so I was somehow able to somewhat brace my what could've been completely terrible ended up just being embarrassing and humbling. The only thing I saw that I possibly could've tripped over was a little bolt sticking up out of the I'm going with that! It could've been much worse and I was able to get right back up..and thankfully there wasn't really anyone driving by or running/biking by to witness my moment...although I'm sure it would've been hilarious to watch! I fought the urge to check out my knees and just kept going. Finished my 8 miles in an 94 minutes. My pace was a little slower than I would've liked but I'm chalking that up to my fall!

They actually disappointed me with how unimpressive they looked!

Salty face...status post 8 mile run!

Running has been going pretty well...despite my weigh-ins and lack of weight loss I haven't quit my training. I run Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays (if on my training plan), and then long runs on Saturdays. Then I cross-train on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm trying to incorporate more strength training into my workouts on my cross-training days. I told David a running goal for this year is to run a 5K in under 30 minutes! He said that he thinks I can do it in March where the day before the Rock 'N Roll Half Marathon we're running a I'm working my booty off to try and make that happen...good 'ole sprint training!

I have one more story to share before I go. This week I was told how lucky I am that I'm young and have such a wonderful metabolism...this conversation was in the context of weight loss. It took the greatest amount of self-control to say, "HA! What metabolism?" My entire life I have battled my weight. I have NEVER had a speedy metabolism. The weight I'm at right now is literally the smallest I have been since about middle school! Weight loss is not easy! It does not happen over night...I did not wake up one day and have a metabolism that burned every extra calorie for me...and as the past few months have shown I can exercise all I want but I can't out run the calories that I consume! I could run all day long and still not lose weight because of my diet choices...and that's exactly what has happened the past few months. I've been consuming more than I'm burning. I was looking at some pictures today and wanted to share them. It just goes to show I have never had a wonderful metabolism...and that's okay. It has brought me on this journey and I'm so thankful for all that I have learned and continue to learn. I'm so much stronger than I ever thought possible in many aspects of my life...and I'm now aware of areas where I'm weak and need to grow and learn. With that said... enjoy these pictures!

9 yrs old...4th grade
April 2005 - 14 years old
January 2011 - 20 years old
January 2015 - 24 years old!
It's weird because I have lost a lot of weight...but sometimes I still look in the mirror and see the girl in the 2011 picture...but then I look at that picture and hardly recognize myself. I see the pain, the person hiding and afraid, I see all the emotions stuffed down with that last half gallon of ice cream behind it. I've come so far. I have a long ways to it's less about the weight and more about the healing that this journey requires. I have to get to the core of all my binges because otherwise I'm just one binge after the other of being back to where I was...and that's a terrifying thought. So as difficult as the tough questions are to ask and as awful and painful as it is to be honest with's so important...and so worth getting to the bottom of it all! That's where I'm at. I'll keep my head up. I'll keep moving forward. I'll continue to heal, grow, learn, forgive, and show myself grace...because we all need a little extra grace, mercy, and love!

Monday, January 12, 2015


Control. That word has taken on a whole new meaning to me these past couple months. I've said this before and I keep saying this to myself: there's not a lot in this world that we have control over but we do have control over our actions and reactions. The first half of this week I did really well with my caloric intake and getting my workouts in...then the second half really sucked. I got my workouts in...but I consumed a ridiculous amount of calories the last three days...and my weigh-in reflects that. 204.6. Ugh. 3 pounds...I'm pretty sure I gained those 3 pounds over Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So that really sucked. I wish I could explain the feeling I get when I go on binges. I become like a crazy person...and even though I physically feel no hunger whatsoever and am conscious of the fact that I should not continue to consume food..I continue to shovel it into my mouth. It's crazy and annoying and frustrating and makes me feel out of control.

I did not want to go on my run today. I was sitting on my living room floor doing my Bible study and procrastinating going out for my run (yeah I know it's hard to believe that I procrastinate). However, as I was finishing up my study I came across a section in my study that really encouraged me and motivated me to go out and get my run on. Acts 1:8a "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere..." You see...I'm weak. I don't have the strength to make it through each day without my Lord and Savior. I was reminded that those who believe are given power through the Holy Spirit. Do you hear how amazing that is? I then went on to 2 Timothy 1:7 where we're told, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." Well, that's all I needed to hear to be able to go on my run and make it through the rest of my day, with a smile I might add! 

Smiling because I have a new motto: 2 Timothy 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity,
 but of power, love, and self-discipline"

Avg Pace

Here's the breakdown from my run today. The last two miles I kept a verse in Tasha Cobbs, "Break Every Chain" it says, "There is power in the name of Jesus/To break every chain/To break every chain/To break every chain" and somehow I was given the strength to push myself a little harder. After my run I said out loud, "That was awesome"...yeah running is great but encountering God and receiving His power is greater!

Status-Post 5-Mile Run!
So I made it through the day without a binge...I am going to brush my teeth after I am done writing this and jump in my bed before I can ruin it! Tomorrow at work me and one of my co-workers are heading up a weight loss challenge. We'll way in every Monday or Tuesday for 5 weeks and there'll be a cash prize for the top 3 losers! I'm excited to have this extra side of motivation for the upcoming weeks. I'm seriously sick and tired of being in the 200's. I've been here way too long. I'm determined to get below 200 by the end of the month! There. I've said it. That's my goal for the month. Another goal for the more binges. It's not going to be easy...but I'm going to take it one day at a time! 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Healing With The New Year

Happy New Year! Goodness, what a year 2014 was. Last year I restarted a habit that my family used to have every year. We'd all sit down at the kitchen table, take turns saying what our New Year resolution was for the year and we'd also write down accomplishments that the previous year had brought. Then each year you got to read through and hear what all you did and/or didn’t do. So last year a couple of my goals were: Get down to 200 pounds (was at 297 pounds), Run a half marathon, Graduate from NMHU with honors, Don’t give up on myself or become discouraged, and use my words and communicate my feelings instead of eating them. Well my weigh in on Monday left me short of my first goal by 2 pounds. Monday (12/29) I was still at 202 and this Monday (1/5) I weighed in at 201.6 and honestly I could be disappointed or I could just see how far I have come and be proud of that and realize my weight loss journey is far from over. October 19, 2014 I ran the Duke City Half Marathon with my lovely family and December 27, 2014 I ran 15 miles with Erika! I graduated from NMHU with my BSN with a GPA of 3.81 (Darn summer semester left me with two B’s!), which means I graduate “magna cum laude”…still honors! I haven’t given up on myself, even though there have been times where I would have rough days/weeks where I didn’t think I was ever going to get back on track…but I did. I’m still working on communicating my feelings instead of eating them, but I have greatly improved on my communication skills in comparison to last year. What else happened in 2014? I got promoted to charge nurse and started working day shift. I found an amazing church; Journey Fellowship, for any of you out there “church-shopping” ;) My entire family came together (even if it was for less than 48 hours) to support me as I ran my first half marathon. Some really great things happened but some other crummy things happened.

Favorite part of 2014...EVERYONE TOGETHER!! <3

I don’t necessarily want to share how my year ended because, to be honest, it’s embarrassing. But more than being embarrassed I want to be free and I want to let others know that they are not alone.  I want to be empowered and empower others. I want to take back what was taken from me. With that being said I will share with you what I have been struggling with lately and what has been driving my emotional binge eating. It’s a new year and I want to be able to move on and start fresh. I want to heal. I want to continue to improve and encourage others. Only a few of my family members and a few friends know this so what I say is truly to help me heal and to bring healing to others. November 16, 2014 I was raped. After it happened I told myself that A) it didn’t really happen B) I hadn’t really been raped C) that I had somehow mislead him and that my “NO” wasn’t clear enough. I know all too well now that it really did happen, I was raped, and I had clearly told him “NO” and yet he continued to force himself on me.

Several things have been so crazy to me as I have been riding the waves of this wake. The first is how I tried to justify my rapist’s actions. I tried to say that it wasn’t exactly like he had raped me, I mean I hadn’t been beaten/bruised, even though I said “No” maybe I somehow did something to make him think it was okay (even though I know it was not my fault at all). Secondly, November 16 was a Sunday. Monday is the day I went on my run and pooped my pants…yeah you remember that story. Monday evening I became so sick. I had diarrhea, I was throwing up…and I had to call out to work that Tuesday and Wednesday. I developed an awful urinary tract infection and ended up having to take two courses of antibiotics to clear it up completely. It’s truly astounds me how much of not only an emotional toll it took on my body but a physical toll as well. Thirdly, I was surprised that after being raped I quickly found myself having consensual sex with someone else for the first time in my life.  It was almost as if I was trying to erase the rape with an act that I allowed to happen with someone who had always previously respected my "no".  As if sleeping with this person that actually "cared" about me would somehow make the wrong of the rape right. But it didn't. I just felt worse.  It makes me wonder how much of the promiscuity of our world is due to the fact that so many people have been sexually abused? According to , “1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.” That number is astounding to me and literally breaks my heart. This article has been really eye opening and given me a lot of hope with everything I have been dealing with:

I have spent the last couple months being angry and eating my anger. I’m now ready to let that anger go. I was hurt. I was raped. I was abused. I tried to fix things on my own. I tried to find healing by sleeping with someone else and came up empty handed and more desperate to find healing. Where I should’ve looked for comfort, healing, and strength is to Christ. This world leaves us so empty but thankfully I have a Savior who has come to give me, and everyone else, life. According to John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” The thief has tried to rob me of my joy, faith, and hope…but thank God he is greater than this world! This world is full of sinners in need of a Savior. I have a desperate need to be forgiven but the hardest thing is that in order for me to be forgiven I too need to give forgiveness. Matthew 6:14-15 says, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Oh, forgiveness. That word has been eating me alive this past week. I haven’t wanted to forgive this man…because it seems that if I forgive him then that means I’m okay with what happened. What I’m realizing is that forgiveness doesn’t mean I am excusing his actions, rather, it means I am ceasing to feel resentment, anger, and bitterness towards my abuser. According to merriam-webster forgiveness is defined as, “to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong).” I’m beyond ready to cease this anger from eating me alive (literally)… so, to the man who raped me: I forgive you and I pray you find forgiveness from my Lord and Savior because, “We must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil” (2 Corinthians 5:10). 

I’m sorry if you came here to read about weight loss and got a sermon instead…but this is how I am healing. This is the only way I know to truly heal. The world has and always will leave me empty, angry, alone, and longing for something deeper. “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31). I’m finding new strength. My value does not come from this world but my value lies in Jesus and knowing that he says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11).

So this year I’m praying that I continue to heal and help others along the way. I will get below 200 pounds. I will run more half marathons. I’m sure I have other goals for this year…I just can’t think of them at this time. For those of you who may have been raped I pray for your healing. I pray you can forgive your abuser and find hope and strength that you didn’t know you had. I know that my God is greater than all of this. I know I will continue to have days where I just want to eat my emotions and I just want to lay in bed and do the opposite of going for my runs…but I am going to do what I’ve always done on this journey, take it moment by moment, one step at a time, one day at a time.

This is my prayer for all of you for the year 2015:

“‘“The Lord bless you
  and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you
 and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
  and give you peace.”’
-       Numbers 6:24-26

*I’d appreciate if you kept your comments to yourself on this post... As Thumper’s mom would say, “If you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say nothing at all!” Thank you.