Sunday, September 24, 2017

How do I pick myself back up?

     These past few months and weeks particularly, I have weighed myself and wanted to deny the number that I see... 294, 296, 295, 299, 301, 297. When I saw that next to last number I didn't even allow myself to feel the gravity of it. Three-hundred pounds...AGAIN! How did I get back here? It didn't happen overnight. It has been a consistent progression over the last year and a half. It's not like I suddenly lost support from those who were there for me at the a matter of fact I have gained support in my work environment and in my friendships. I think I stopped allowing myself to feel. I also prioritized other things in front of myself. I also just didn't want to put in the work that needs to be done...I quit caring. Ouch. That's hard to write. I quit caring about myself...and not in a self-hate kind of way...I think I was allowed to be myself, and was loved in my skin, no matter my weight...and so I quit caring about my weight. I also started binge eating and emotional subduing my feelings with food. Oh, there it is. And now I look at my clothes from two years ago, I look in the mirror, and I can't believe that I am almost back to where I started..which was 320 pounds. So what now? How do I pick myself back up?

     I think the answer is where I started at the beginning of this journey. One day at a time. Slowly but surely. Doing today what I can do. I'm not going to run a half marathon today...but I can still run a mile. Albeit, slowly. At the beginning of the month I went and ran 2 miles...some can walk faster than I ran it...but it was my run and I finished. 

2.20 mi
15:42 min/mi
Avg Pace
3 ft
Elev Gain
449 C
Map data ©2017 Google
300 m
1000 ft
 68.0° Mostly Clear 18


     I know that I am strong and capable. However, right now, I'm allowing myself to feel the gravity of where I am in my journey. I also know that I have more inward work to do when it comes to binge eating and letting food be a source of comfort. Today is the first day in a long time that I have felt a desire to get outside and run. So I'm going to do that. It feels like fall and that's my favorite time to be outside running. So I'm going to go and as long as it takes, I will run a mile or two. I will start using myfitnesspal again and being conscious of the amount of calories I'm consuming.

      I feel overwhelmed with the amount of work that is ahead of me. I think that has been another aspect holding me back. I know how hard I have to work to see success on the scale. I'm not putting a number goal out there..because this time it's more than just reaching a's about reaching a state of mind...that doesn't seek food for comfort, that doesn't run away from challenges, that doesn't feel intimidated by what others might think. I want to try new things. I don't want to be held back by the thought that I may not be good at something. I don't just want a physical change...for once in my life I'd like to have a healthy relationship with food. I'd like to be on the same team as food...not against it at the table. 

     So, while my goals may be a little different then when I first started this journey, how I pick myself back up isn't. I get up and I take one step at a moment at a time...and one day at a time. 

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Can I do this right now?

Sometimes when I focus on how far I have to go it becomes extremely discouraging. I know that I need to take it 10 pounds at a time and not focus on the huge, seemingly unobtainable...because...120 pounds is unobtainable. However, 10 pounds...I can do that! I can meet that goal. With all of that in mind, I can do this, and I will try to not look at the entire picture at this time...just one piece at a time.

Well, this last week went pretty well, except for super bowl Sunday where I consumed a couple thousand calories of food in one sitting :-/ I've been enjoying group fitness classes at defined. I tried a new class this week call was a blast. It's defined as, "the empowering cardio workout where you are totally unleashed. This fiercely energetic program is inspired by martial arts and draws from a wide array of disciplines such as Karate, boxing, Taekwondo, Tai Chi and Muay Thai." Doesn't that sound like a blast? It definitely got my heart rate up quickly and I burned a ton of calories...I also learned some "kick-ass" don't randomly surprise me or I may roundhouse kick you in the's a natural reaction now! :)

I've been trying to run...but it's hard right now. First, I'm not on the cardiovascular condition I was in a couple years ago. Second, I've gained weight, making it even more challenging to run. It's extremely frustrating remembering where I was and coming to a realization of where I am now. I don't know what this weight loss will look like this time around...somehow it seems a lot more overwhelming then when I first started...but again...taking it one day and 10 pounds at a time.

I used to have weigh-in's once a week...this time around I think I'll post a weigh-in once a month. So I'll give y'all an update at the beginning of March.

So what is my plan for the days that are coming when I don't think that I want to pack my lunch, go to the gym, or quit eating chocolate...My plan is to ask myself, "Can I do this right now?? Not looking forward 120 pounds from now, can I go for a walk right now? Can I make my meal right now? Can I make it 1 hour through this class right now? This is my plan for the making it through the days that I don't want to do anything.

"You may encounter many defeats
but you must not be defeated."
- Maya Angelou
In the mean time--I'm continually learning to love where I'm at in life. Everything that I've been through and walk through is shaping and molding my character. I'm thankful for those who have reached out to me and encouraged me. There's such beauty in everyone's story, we're all so much stronger than we believe. We're all worth the fight! So right here, right now, can you do this right now?!

Tuesday, January 31, 2017


Why hello stranger. You know, I've been fighting against the fight to get fit. Ha! Ironic isn't it? The very fight I started I've been fighting against for the last year. Well, I surrender.

I was talking recently to some family and in two separate conversations we discussed the ability of individuals to change. In both conversations we discussed the concept that one person can't change until the idea that they can indeed change has been solidified in their own mind. You can try to will someone to change and better themselves, but if they don't believe it themself, then change will never happen. I believed that I could make change on a small scale. I don't think I ever believed I could make a lasting change in my life. I never believed I could really hit my weight goal. And when I hit 198 and then went back to 200 I just mentally gave up.

Unfortunately, because of my decision to quit, I now weigh 293.6. This is so discouraging for me to write. There was a point when I had lost 100 pounds and I've gained that all back. Now, I can look on the bright side and say that I'm not where I first started. My highest was 320. I'm not in the 300's...yet. But if I continue on the path I'm on I will certainly be in the 300's in no time. I don't want this to happen.

While I still don't know if I truly believe deep down that I can make it to my ultimate goal of 170...I know that I'm capable of losing weight. I know that I'm worth the fight to fit. I know I will feel so much better when I start to make better food decisions and when I start to exercise again on a regular basis.

It's time for me to stop allowing school, work, social life etc. to be a factor that gets in the way of me and my health. So here I am. Again. Writing in vulnerability and transparency. As long as I want time to be a factor on my journey to health, there will never be enough time to workout. As long as I want lack of resources to be my excuse to health, there will never be enough resources. So today I choose to make time for me. Today (or tonight as it may be) I choose to take it, one day at a time. Moment by moment.

Binge eating is still a real struggle for me. Laziness is a real struggle for me. Convenience is a real friend of mine (and my worst enemy). Sleep always sounds better than an early morning run. Bed always calls my name after I get off work. Fast food always sounds easier to me than making my own meals. Today I've made poor food decisions...but I know that the rest of the night and tomorrow doesn't have to be like this day.

I have friends, family, mad-cooking-skills, and resources (myfitnesspal, group-fitness) etc. at my fingertips...willing, ready, and waiting to help me along the way. I love myself. That is why I choose to make better decisions. I have so much to offer and my ability to live to the best of my ability is dependant on my health.

There are times when I still doubt that I am capable of reaching my goal. But every day I promise to look myself in the mirror and say, "you can...and you will reach your goals." Until one day, I believe it. I used to see gaining weight as a failure...which meant I was a failure...this is such a lie. I'm not a failure. I'm beautiful, inteligent, loving, kind, compassionate, determined, and driven. None of that sounds like failure to me. So I refuse to let a rough past year deter me from reaching my goals.

With all of that being said, I hope you're ready to start hearing from me on a more regular basis. Updates, highlights, lowlights, celebrations, frustrations etc. Sharing reminds me I'm not alone...and hopefully helps others walking through the same mesiness I like to call life. We all have struggles...some are more visually obvious than others. But one thing I know is that love conquers. Transparency and vulnerability allows for life transformation. Words, while they can tear down, also build up. So, I hope my words encourage you and build you up. Time to rock the scale again! :)