Weigh In & My Week

Monday I weighed myself in since it had been a week since I had started. Last week I weighed 311.6 and Monday the scale said 310. So 1.6 pounds down. Honestly, I'm rather disappointed that it wasn't more, however, the scale is moving in the right direction...so it's okay. Also...my roommate, Patrice lost 4 pounds this week!! She's doing weight watchers (WW) as well and CrossFit with me!

Last week I really struggled with counting my points on the WW app..it's so different counting points over counting calories. This week I feel like I'm doing a little bit better. The WW app is not as intuitive as the MyFitnessPal app. I haven't made it to a meeting this week but I'm hoping next week I'll be able to...I work the next three nights so I'm not planning on making it to one the rest of the week. 

I can understand how WW really focuses on nutrition. There are zero calorie foods (mostly fruits, veggies, but also eggs/chicken/and other foods. I have had more fruits and veggies in the last week and a half than I have in a long time. I also have been doing better with not eating out quite as much..and so far I've made good decisions while eating out...so that feels good. 

Anyways....

I'm really enjoying CrossFit. Monday I slept through all of the CrossFit class times so I went to the gym with Patrice and we repeated one of the classes that we did last week. It was great and one of the greatest times I've had at the gym. Tuesday I had to take the day off. Wednesday we did 4 rounds for time: 500m row and 10 reps of overhead squats (I only did 35lb). I finished in 17 minutes. Today we had 10 total front squats for max weight. I was able to squat 175 pounds! I felt so strong. I am really enjoying the weight lifting aspect of CrossFit. I also love how the trainers really make you focus on your form and make sure that you're being safe. 

Well, I work tonight so I'm going to go take a nap. But I took a picture of my breakfast this morning: 

2 slices Sara-Lee bread, arugula/spinach/prosciutto/tomato/3 poached eggs/balsamic vinegar/salt/pepper

Until next time!!

Another Day Down

I'm always so thankful for the support that you all show me whenever I write. It certainly motivates me to keep sharing my stories with you all. I had a friend, Lani, reach out to me and send me recipes for clean eating..which I am so appreciative of. I had so many kind words shared with me, so thank you!

So, holy smokes, I'm so freaking sore. I am more sore than when I finished my half marathons. I think it's because it's not just my lower legs, it's my abs, obliques, shoulders, freaking FOREARMS...EVERYTHING. I went to Crossfit again Tuesday and I took yesterday off. I'm planning on going to class this morning at 0900.

For those of you wondering why I'm writing a blog post at 0330, I work night shift and have been trying to stay on a "night shift" schedule. This has really helped with my sleeping. I go to bed in the morning, get up in the afternoon...see people if I can, run errands, and then come home...work on homework, clean, hang out, and try not to eat too much food. This is my first week of being successful at staying completely on nights and my body feels so much better. When I go back and forth between days and nights I feel pretty crappy and get headaches and I have a really hard time knowing when I should and shouldn't eat...because sometimes I would stay up for 24+ hours. We will see how this goes. It's always hard to be up and it be dark outside and sometimes it does make me feel depressed which is why I try to get outside when I can. I also know that exercising will help me just feel better overall (or at least that's what they say...I feel beat up right now).

I just know that I'm going to go to work and have two patients that have foleys and I'm going to have to squat to empty their drain, and then they'll be Q2H turns so I'll be in there turning them every two hours...I just know that's what is coming!!

Today I logged my food under the weight watchers app. It is pretty cool that they have "no point" foods...that you can essentially eat as much as you want of those items. However, it's really hard for me to get in the mindset of a point system over a calorie system. I'm going to try and give it a go though and see how it goes. I need to find a meeting time that works well with my schedule...but I think that going to a meeting would probably be beneficial for me.

Tonight, I started to eat some ice cream that I had in the freezer...and I had to quickly pour water in them and throw them all away. I have low calorie ice cream in my freezer...but is that what I wanted to eat?! NOPE! So hopefully just not having it there will be helpful...and it's melted by now and watery so there's no remorseful quick grabbing it out of the trash!

So, that's where I'm at today. I work the next three nights...so I plan on CrossFit this morning, and then a walk one of my other days of work.

Oh hey, on a positive note, I just submitted my final paper/assignment for this semester of my MSN program. I'm officially halfway done with my degree!! YAY!

Until next time...

The Start of Something New

What have I been doing since my last blog post? Nothing significant in regards to my weight loss journey. I've been working, I went on vacation, and I have been finishing up my semester of school (one more year until I complete my MSN)! So what is my weight? Well, this evening it was 311.6. I've been doing a lot of evaluating and thinking about personal goals...and honestly I just feel overwhelmed and like I have no idea where to start.

I have been trying to eat more meals at home...I've done a lot better with meal prepping my food for work and not eating from the cafeteria...however, there's still more progress that needs to be made in that area. While I have been eating more meals at home, I still have been eating portions that are larger than what I really need. My best friend, Patrice, has been encouraging me to look into weight watchers...since I would be able to go to weekly meetings and have weigh-ins and accountability. Honestly, I'm signed up for weight watchers and have been since 2015. I am signed up for weight watchers for free (essentially) through my employer, all I have to do is pay taxes on it. I signed up initially online in 2015 but never downloaded the app or went to any meetings. A part of the reason... the complete reason why I haven't gone is ego.

It's silly that my ego has stopped me from so many things. I have gained a lot of confidence in myself over the years but I still lack a lot of confidence overall. My ego/pride/lack of confidence stem from a fear of being looked down on, disgusting others, failing others and myself, not being able to do something...the list goes on and on. I'm realizing I need to be a little more humble...because if I continue on the path I'm on I know the next number I'll see is 320 (my highest weight) and beyond.

Rosemary Beach & approximately 311 pounds

So what am I going to do?

In August, Patrice bought a Groupon for my birthday to Crossfit 91:10. Friday, we went after work and signed up (only because our last day to redeem the deal was the 4th). Today, I completed my first CrossFit workout. Before I tell you about my workout I want to tell you about my feelings/thoughts/imaginings of what would happen when I went.

I took so long to go redeem my deal because I was afraid that CrossFit was for people that are strong mentally and physically; and that if I went I'd be looked down on, a burden, and essentially a joke. I am a strong person. However, lately, I have been feeling both mentally and physically weak. I have allowed my fears (that are completely made up in my worrisome mind) to hold me back. However, I'm being reminded of why I started my weightloss journey in the first place...because being morbidly obese physically hurts your body. My BMI is back to 42.2. UGH!

When I walked into Crossfit 91:10, I was immediately intimidated and insecure, simply because of the fit people that were there. I calmed down when the manager came and introduced herself and was very kind, explanative, and welcoming. However, before my first class I felt fear that I wouldn't know what they were talking about, that I wouldn't be able to keep up, that I would fail and have to leave, the list goes on and on. So I researched on YouTube other individuals' experiences. I looked on Instagram and other social media platforms...and decided that I was just going to give it a try.

I have many friends who do CrossFit and every single one of them loves it. It's actually annoying how much they love it. They talk about how much they love their "box" and how it's such a great community and how they've grown so much since starting CrossFit. Even with all of this positive feedback I was still nervous. My sister, Erika, and other friends have always told me that I need to try it and that they're sure I'd love it....still hasn't made me do it...until today (or technically 12/4).

I loved my first day! It was extremely hard...and even after the "warm-up" I was already dripping sweat and my HR was racing. The trainers (one had to leave early so another came in to relieve her) were so incredible. They knew we (Patrice and I) were new and so they explained everything to us. I felt so included, encouraged, and supported. They showed us modifications, they walked alongside us and answered any questions we may have had. They complimented both me and Patrice on our form. They were really impressed with our squats, they were happy that we knew how to do the "worm" warm-up, they said I was a beast on the row machine, and one of scary things for me...box jumps...they did the coolest thing to help us figure out how to properly jump. The trainer got a 45 lb weight and laid it flat on the floor and showed us proper technique and had both me and Patrice repeat back what he had shown us. We got up to 3 - 45lb weights...so roughly 12"...I am not a jumper and the thought of doing box jumps has had me so scared...I loved the way they did this. Each time we successfully completed a jump he added a weight. Another part that I enjoyed was that this was a smaller class..I know every class won't be like this but the other two were friendly and it was the perfect size first class.

So...I'm giving crossfit a chance. I've always loved bodypump classes and lifting weights and so this is right up my alley. I also love that for women CrossFit has this slogan, "A Better Beautiful," which essentially CrossFit explains this slogans goal is to support women who seek functional fitness and overall health. I'd love to want to start running again...I just don't have that desire right now...functional fitness and overall health sounds good to me. I'll keep y'all posted along the way.

How do I pick myself back up?

     These past few months and weeks particularly, I have weighed myself and wanted to deny the number that I see... 294, 296, 295, 299, 301, 297. When I saw that next to last number I didn't even allow myself to feel the gravity of it. Three-hundred pounds...AGAIN! How did I get back here? It didn't happen overnight. It has been a consistent progression over the last year and a half. It's not like I suddenly lost support from those who were there for me at the beginning...as a matter of fact I have gained support in my work environment and in my friendships. I think I stopped allowing myself to feel. I also prioritized other things in front of myself. I also just didn't want to put in the work that needs to be done...I quit caring. Ouch. That's hard to write. I quit caring about myself...and not in a self-hate kind of way...I think I was allowed to be myself, and was loved in my skin, no matter my weight...and so I quit caring about my weight. I also started binge eating and emotional subduing my feelings with food. Oh, there it is. And now I look at my clothes from two years ago, I look in the mirror, and I can't believe that I am almost back to where I started..which was 320 pounds. So what now? How do I pick myself back up?

     I think the answer is where I started at the beginning of this journey. One day at a time. Slowly but surely. Doing today what I can do. I'm not going to run a half marathon today...but I can still run a mile. Albeit, slowly. At the beginning of the month I went and ran 2 miles...some can walk faster than I ran it...but it was my run and I finished. 

2.20 mi

Distance

34:33

Time

15:42 min/mi

Avg Pace

3 ft

Elev Gain

449 C

Calories

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300 m

1000 ft

Leaflet

Laps

 68.0°  18

     


     I know that I am strong and capable. However, right now, I'm allowing myself to feel the gravity of where I am in my journey. I also know that I have more inward work to do when it comes to binge eating and letting food be a source of comfort. Today is the first day in a long time that I have felt a desire to get outside and run. So I'm going to do that. It feels like fall and that's my favorite time to be outside running. So I'm going to go and as long as it takes, I will run a mile or two. I will start using myfitnesspal again and being conscious of the amount of calories I'm consuming.

      I feel overwhelmed with the amount of work that is ahead of me. I think that has been another aspect holding me back. I know how hard I have to work to see success on the scale. I'm not putting a number goal out there..because this time it's more than just reaching a number...it's about reaching a state of mind...that doesn't seek food for comfort, that doesn't run away from challenges, that doesn't feel intimidated by what others might think. I want to try new things. I don't want to be held back by the thought that I may not be good at something. I don't just want a physical change...for once in my life I'd like to have a healthy relationship with food. I'd like to be on the same team as food...not against it at the table. 

     So, while my goals may be a little different then when I first started this journey, how I pick myself back up isn't. I get up and I take one step at a time...one moment at a time...and one day at a time. 

Can I do this right now?

Sometimes when I focus on how far I have to go it becomes extremely discouraging. I know that I need to take it 10 pounds at a time and not focus on the huge, seemingly unobtainable...because...120 pounds is unobtainable. However, 10 pounds...I can do that! I can meet that goal. With all of that in mind, I can do this, and I will try to not look at the entire picture at this time...just one piece at a time.

Well, this last week went pretty well, except for super bowl Sunday where I consumed a couple thousand calories of food in one sitting :-/ I've been enjoying group fitness classes at defined. I tried a new class this week call Bodycombat...it was a blast. It's defined as, "the empowering cardio workout where you are totally unleashed. This fiercely energetic program is inspired by martial arts and draws from a wide array of disciplines such as Karate, boxing, Taekwondo, Tai Chi and Muay Thai." Doesn't that sound like a blast? It definitely got my heart rate up quickly and I burned a ton of calories...I also learned some "kick-ass" moves....so don't randomly surprise me or I may roundhouse kick you in the face...it's a natural reaction now! :)

I've been trying to run...but it's hard right now. First, I'm not on the cardiovascular condition I was in a couple years ago. Second, I've gained weight, making it even more challenging to run. It's extremely frustrating remembering where I was and coming to a realization of where I am now. I don't know what this weight loss will look like this time around...somehow it seems a lot more overwhelming then when I first started...but again...taking it one day and 10 pounds at a time.

I used to have weigh-in's once a week...this time around I think I'll post a weigh-in once a month. So I'll give y'all an update at the beginning of March.

So what is my plan for the days that are coming when I don't think that I want to pack my lunch, go to the gym, or quit eating chocolate...My plan is to ask myself, "Can I do this right now?? Not looking forward 120 pounds from now, can I go for a walk right now? Can I make my meal right now? Can I make it 1 hour through this class right now? This is my plan for the making it through the days that I don't want to do anything.

"You may encounter many defeats
but you must not be defeated."
- Maya Angelou

In the mean time--I'm continually learning to love where I'm at in life. Everything that I've been through and walk through is shaping and molding my character. I'm thankful for those who have reached out to me and encouraged me. There's such beauty in everyone's story, we're all so much stronger than we believe. We're all worth the fight! So right here, right now, can you do this right now?!
 

Believe

Why hello stranger. You know, I've been fighting against the fight to get fit. Ha! Ironic isn't it? The very fight I started I've been fighting against for the last year. Well, I surrender.

I was talking recently to some family and in two separate conversations we discussed the ability of individuals to change. In both conversations we discussed the concept that one person can't change until the idea that they can indeed change has been solidified in their own mind. You can try to will someone to change and better themselves, but if they don't believe it themself, then change will never happen. I believed that I could make change on a small scale. I don't think I ever believed I could make a lasting change in my life. I never believed I could really hit my weight goal. And when I hit 198 and then went back to 200 I just mentally gave up.

Unfortunately, because of my decision to quit, I now weigh 293.6. This is so discouraging for me to write. There was a point when I had lost 100 pounds and I've gained that all back. Now, I can look on the bright side and say that I'm not where I first started. My highest was 320. I'm not in the 300's...yet. But if I continue on the path I'm on I will certainly be in the 300's in no time. I don't want this to happen.

While I still don't know if I truly believe deep down that I can make it to my ultimate goal of 170...I know that I'm capable of losing weight. I know that I'm worth the fight to fit. I know I will feel so much better when I start to make better food decisions and when I start to exercise again on a regular basis.

It's time for me to stop allowing school, work, social life etc. to be a factor that gets in the way of me and my health. So here I am. Again. Writing in vulnerability and transparency. As long as I want time to be a factor on my journey to health, there will never be enough time to workout. As long as I want lack of resources to be my excuse to health, there will never be enough resources. So today I choose to make time for me. Today (or tonight as it may be) I choose to take it, one day at a time. Moment by moment.

Binge eating is still a real struggle for me. Laziness is a real struggle for me. Convenience is a real friend of mine (and my worst enemy). Sleep always sounds better than an early morning run. Bed always calls my name after I get off work. Fast food always sounds easier to me than making my own meals. Today I've made poor food decisions...but I know that the rest of the night and tomorrow doesn't have to be like this day.

I have friends, family, mad-cooking-skills, and resources (myfitnesspal, group-fitness) etc. at my fingertips...willing, ready, and waiting to help me along the way. I love myself. That is why I choose to make better decisions. I have so much to offer and my ability to live to the best of my ability is dependant on my health.

There are times when I still doubt that I am capable of reaching my goal. But every day I promise to look myself in the mirror and say, "you can...and you will reach your goals." Until one day, I believe it. I used to see gaining weight as a failure...which meant I was a failure...this is such a lie. I'm not a failure. I'm beautiful, inteligent, loving, kind, compassionate, determined, and driven. None of that sounds like failure to me. So I refuse to let a rough past year deter me from reaching my goals.

With all of that being said, I hope you're ready to start hearing from me on a more regular basis. Updates, highlights, lowlights, celebrations, frustrations etc. Sharing reminds me I'm not alone...and hopefully helps others walking through the same mesiness I like to call life. We all have struggles...some are more visually obvious than others. But one thing I know is that love conquers. Transparency and vulnerability allows for life transformation. Words, while they can tear down, also build up. So, I hope my words encourage you and build you up. Time to rock the scale again! :)