I've been eating a diet rich in dark and milk chocolate (hey, it's calcium) and high in saturated fats (and not the good fat...sorry avocados) and of course you can't forget those irresistible carbohydrates (hello pasta and bread)! I'm well balanced...If you consider balance reaching for a chocolate between conversations and meetings at work; well then, in that case: when it comes to balance, I'm a pro!
I've also done a great job at looking in the mirror and being a bully to myself.
I'm letting that sentence stand alone intentionally. I've told stories to you all about people yelling and throwing things at me as I run along the street. I've written about how hurtful it is when you hear those snide comments, when someone blatantly bullies you and tells you that you're inadequate, that you're not good enough, that you're fat, ugly, a bitch, and disgusting. It's one thing to hear that from someone else. It hurts. Yet, I do it to myself on a daily basis and don't bat an eye.
I didn't realize how mean I can be to myself until this evening as I was talking to my beautiful, gorgeous, giving, loving, and gracious oldest sister. I was listening as she talked about some of her frustrations and struggles and said she wasn't happy where she was at with her weight....and all I could see was my beautiful sister, a woman worth being loved, a woman worth fighting for, a sister worth taking a bullet for, a mother who cares desperately for her amazing children. I wish she could see what I see...and then I realized...that's me. I'm so busy being frustrated and angry with my weight and struggle that I've allowed it to blind me to who I really am. I've been a bully to myself for far too long. I've never been good enough for me. I've always wanted to be smarter, thinner, faster, funnier etc.
I keep looking at where I used to be a year ago and just feeling disappointment in myself for not being at my goal weight by now. I've been frustrated that I've gained back 20 pounds since September. This morning I weighed in at 238.6. I cried when I saw that number. I then looked in the mirror and said, "you're so fat and disgusting...when will you pull it together? Seriously, don't you know how to put down the fork!?" Now, would I ever say that or feel that way about anyone else, especially someone I love? No! Yet, I spoke that way to me. Well...this evening I've been smacked in the forehead and I'm so thankful.
238.6 is how much I weigh. It is not my worth. My weight, my height, my size, my hair, my teeth, my skin, my freckles, these are all a part of what make me me...but they are not what make me beautiful, it's not what makes me worth being loved, it's not why I should speak kindly to myself. What makes me worth being loved is that I am a human being, created in the image of God, with a soul that will live on for eternal life. I was created for a purpose. I'm not saying that it's not good to desire better health, to desire a healthy weight, but when you start to speak ill of yourself because of where you're at...that's just hateful! I'm guilty of being hateful towards myself. I'm just being honest...but in my honesty I know I need to also get some perspective. So here are some things that I know to be true regardless of my weight, regardless of how beautiful I may or may not feel, regardless of who I'm in a relationship with or not, despite what people tell me or don't tell me...all of this I know to be true:
- I am created in the image of God, I am blessed by God, and when God created me he didn't just say that I was good...He said I am very good! Genesis 1:26-31 "Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.' So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God sad to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on earth.' And God said, 'Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. And to every best of the earth and to every bird of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.' And it was so. And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day."
- I am set apart and distinctly and wonderfully made! Psalm 139:13-14 "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."
- The Lord looks not on my outward appearance but rather the health of my heart and spirit. 1 Samuel 16:7 "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
- I am pursued by the Creator of the Universe!! Psalm 23:6 "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
- The Lord has plans for me and if I pursue Him I will find Him! Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."
- And my favorite truth that I heard this week while studying Revelation in Bible Study Fellowship, the notes that I got on Revelation 12 shared this, "John presents this woman in glorious fashion, with luminous clothing and a starry crown. We know Jesus' face was like the sun, so the woman beautifully reflects her Lord. The moon under her feed perhaps signifies her permanence. The crown on her head points to her elect status, for Jesus had promised a crown of life to the one who conquers." That is a quote from my notes. The passage it is talking about is Revelation 12:1, "And a great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars." I love this...the woman beautifully reflects her Lord! Christ in me makes me beautiful!
- I am radiant! Psalm 34:5 "Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed."
So, I'm not where I'm at...but that's okay. I've come a long way, and I will continue to struggle. I will continue on this journey. It's exhausting, it's frustrating, and it's a daily (sometimes hourly and minutely) battle. And that is okay. So ready or not, here I go!