I was talking recently to some family and in two separate conversations we discussed the ability of individuals to change. In both conversations we discussed the concept that one person can't change until the idea that they can indeed change has been solidified in their own mind. You can try to will someone to change and better themselves, but if they don't believe it themself, then change will never happen. I believed that I could make change on a small scale. I don't think I ever believed I could make a lasting change in my life. I never believed I could really hit my weight goal. And when I hit 198 and then went back to 200 I just mentally gave up.
Unfortunately, because of my decision to quit, I now weigh 293.6. This is so discouraging for me to write. There was a point when I had lost 100 pounds and I've gained that all back. Now, I can look on the bright side and say that I'm not where I first started. My highest was 320. I'm not in the 300's...yet. But if I continue on the path I'm on I will certainly be in the 300's in no time. I don't want this to happen.
While I still don't know if I truly believe deep down that I can make it to my ultimate goal of 170...I know that I'm capable of losing weight. I know that I'm worth the fight to fit. I know I will feel so much better when I start to make better food decisions and when I start to exercise again on a regular basis.
It's time for me to stop allowing school, work, social life etc. to be a factor that gets in the way of me and my health. So here I am. Again. Writing in vulnerability and transparency. As long as I want time to be a factor on my journey to health, there will never be enough time to workout. As long as I want lack of resources to be my excuse to health, there will never be enough resources. So today I choose to make time for me. Today (or tonight as it may be) I choose to take it, one day at a time. Moment by moment.
Binge eating is still a real struggle for me. Laziness is a real struggle for me. Convenience is a real friend of mine (and my worst enemy). Sleep always sounds better than an early morning run. Bed always calls my name after I get off work. Fast food always sounds easier to me than making my own meals. Today I've made poor food decisions...but I know that the rest of the night and tomorrow doesn't have to be like this day.
I have friends, family, mad-cooking-skills, and resources (myfitnesspal, group-fitness) etc. at my fingertips...willing, ready, and waiting to help me along the way. I love myself. That is why I choose to make better decisions. I have so much to offer and my ability to live to the best of my ability is dependant on my health.
There are times when I still doubt that I am capable of reaching my goal. But every day I promise to look myself in the mirror and say, "you can...and you will reach your goals." Until one day, I believe it. I used to see gaining weight as a failure...which meant I was a failure...this is such a lie. I'm not a failure. I'm beautiful, inteligent, loving, kind, compassionate, determined, and driven. None of that sounds like failure to me. So I refuse to let a rough past year deter me from reaching my goals.
With all of that being said, I hope you're ready to start hearing from me on a more regular basis. Updates, highlights, lowlights, celebrations, frustrations etc. Sharing reminds me I'm not alone...and hopefully helps others walking through the same mesiness I like to call life. We all have struggles...some are more visually obvious than others. But one thing I know is that love conquers. Transparency and vulnerability allows for life transformation. Words, while they can tear down, also build up. So, I hope my words encourage you and build you up. Time to rock the scale again! :)
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