Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Grace, Mercy, and Love!

Well it has been a while since I've had some time to write an update. Sorry for slacking off! Lucky for you though I have a funny story to share so here I am...writing! First this Monday I weighed in at 201. I made a promise to my brother and sister that if I felt the urge to binge I would call them and talk it out with them. It's nice to know I have that support when I need's just a matter of actually taking it seriously and using my resources when I need them. I want to make it below 200...and only I have control over what I place in my mouth.

These past few weeks I've really been trying to dive deeper into what sets off binges for me. It's painful, humbling, humiliating, and frustrating. So, as you can tell, it's going really well...NOT! I think so many times I try to numb emotions instead of feeling whatever it is I'm going through. A pattern that is continuing to show up is that I have a tendency to put other peoples feelings above my own. I will literally be more uncomfortable and do something I'd rather not do in order to make someone else happy or comfortable. I suppose you can call it people pleasing...and as I write it I can hear how ridiculous it is....but it's so true. I have a hard time standing up for myself. I caught myself mid-binge a couple weeks ago and realized the reason I was binging is because I was letting someone else dictate my evening instead of standing up for what I really wanted and needed to have happen that night. I have been looking back and wishing I would've stood up for myself in certain situations...and then of course that leads me to ask myself, "Why don't you stand up for yourself?"...and then it just turns into this big 'ole mess and who has time to deal with that? Ha! So that's where I'm at with all of that but I'm working on it: painfully, slowly, and with a great deal of patience and grace. 

Anyways, I said I have a story to share..and share I shall! This afternoon I went for my run. I decided to do my long run today since I'm going out of town tomorrow and won't have as much time while I'm gone. I wanted to go run but was having a hard time deciding on a route and where I wanted to I did what I always do when I can't make up my mind about where to go on my run and hopped in my car and went to the Bosque Trail! As I was running on the bridge on Montano over the Rio Grande I was feeling pretty good and then, at 0.37 miles... BAM! I totally ate the ground...or rather, my knees ate the ground. Thankfully I was running along side the fence so I was somehow able to somewhat brace my what could've been completely terrible ended up just being embarrassing and humbling. The only thing I saw that I possibly could've tripped over was a little bolt sticking up out of the I'm going with that! It could've been much worse and I was able to get right back up..and thankfully there wasn't really anyone driving by or running/biking by to witness my moment...although I'm sure it would've been hilarious to watch! I fought the urge to check out my knees and just kept going. Finished my 8 miles in an 94 minutes. My pace was a little slower than I would've liked but I'm chalking that up to my fall!

They actually disappointed me with how unimpressive they looked!

Salty face...status post 8 mile run!

Running has been going pretty well...despite my weigh-ins and lack of weight loss I haven't quit my training. I run Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays (if on my training plan), and then long runs on Saturdays. Then I cross-train on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm trying to incorporate more strength training into my workouts on my cross-training days. I told David a running goal for this year is to run a 5K in under 30 minutes! He said that he thinks I can do it in March where the day before the Rock 'N Roll Half Marathon we're running a I'm working my booty off to try and make that happen...good 'ole sprint training!

I have one more story to share before I go. This week I was told how lucky I am that I'm young and have such a wonderful metabolism...this conversation was in the context of weight loss. It took the greatest amount of self-control to say, "HA! What metabolism?" My entire life I have battled my weight. I have NEVER had a speedy metabolism. The weight I'm at right now is literally the smallest I have been since about middle school! Weight loss is not easy! It does not happen over night...I did not wake up one day and have a metabolism that burned every extra calorie for me...and as the past few months have shown I can exercise all I want but I can't out run the calories that I consume! I could run all day long and still not lose weight because of my diet choices...and that's exactly what has happened the past few months. I've been consuming more than I'm burning. I was looking at some pictures today and wanted to share them. It just goes to show I have never had a wonderful metabolism...and that's okay. It has brought me on this journey and I'm so thankful for all that I have learned and continue to learn. I'm so much stronger than I ever thought possible in many aspects of my life...and I'm now aware of areas where I'm weak and need to grow and learn. With that said... enjoy these pictures!

9 yrs old...4th grade
April 2005 - 14 years old
January 2011 - 20 years old
January 2015 - 24 years old!
It's weird because I have lost a lot of weight...but sometimes I still look in the mirror and see the girl in the 2011 picture...but then I look at that picture and hardly recognize myself. I see the pain, the person hiding and afraid, I see all the emotions stuffed down with that last half gallon of ice cream behind it. I've come so far. I have a long ways to it's less about the weight and more about the healing that this journey requires. I have to get to the core of all my binges because otherwise I'm just one binge after the other of being back to where I was...and that's a terrifying thought. So as difficult as the tough questions are to ask and as awful and painful as it is to be honest with's so important...and so worth getting to the bottom of it all! That's where I'm at. I'll keep my head up. I'll keep moving forward. I'll continue to heal, grow, learn, forgive, and show myself grace...because we all need a little extra grace, mercy, and love!

1 comment:

  1. You are truly an inspiration Maggie. Strong, insightful, brave, and beautiful. Keep searching for the source and keep listening to and loving yourself along the way.