Happy New Year! Goodness, what a year 2014 was. Last year I restarted
a habit that my family used to have every year. We'd all sit down at the kitchen table, take turns
saying what our New Year resolution was for the year and we'd also write down
accomplishments that the previous year had brought. Then each year you
got to read through and hear what all you did and/or didn’t do. So last year a
couple of my goals were: Get down to 200 pounds (was at 297 pounds), Run a half
marathon, Graduate from NMHU with honors, Don’t give up on myself or become
discouraged, and use my words and communicate my feelings instead of eating
them. Well my weigh in on Monday left me short of my first goal by 2 pounds. Monday
(12/29) I was still at 202 and this Monday (1/5) I weighed in at 201.6 and
honestly I could be disappointed or I could just see how far I have come and be
proud of that and realize my weight loss journey is far from over. October 19,
2014 I ran the Duke City Half Marathon with my lovely family and December 27,
2014 I ran 15 miles with Erika! I graduated from NMHU with my BSN with a GPA of
3.81 (Darn summer semester left me with two B’s!), which means I graduate “magna cum laude”…still
honors! I haven’t given up on myself, even though there have been times where I
would have rough days/weeks where I didn’t think I was ever going to get back
on track…but I did. I’m still working on communicating my feelings instead of
eating them, but I have greatly improved on my communication skills in
comparison to last year. What else happened in 2014? I got promoted to charge
nurse and started working day shift. I found an amazing church; Journey
Fellowship, for any of you out there “church-shopping” ;) My entire family came
together (even if it was for less than 48 hours) to support me as I ran my
first half marathon. Some really great things happened but some other crummy
things happened.
 |
| Favorite part of 2014...EVERYONE TOGETHER!! <3 |
I
don’t necessarily want to share how my year ended because, to be honest, it’s
embarrassing. But more than being embarrassed I want to be free and I want to
let others know that they are not alone. I want to
be empowered and empower others. I want to take back what was taken from me. With
that being said I will share with you what I have been struggling with lately
and what has been driving my emotional binge eating. It’s a new year and I want
to be able to move on and start fresh. I want to heal. I want to continue to
improve and encourage others. Only a few of my family members and a few friends
know this so what I say is truly to help me heal and to bring healing to
others. November 16, 2014 I was raped. After it happened I told myself that A)
it didn’t really happen B) I hadn’t really been raped C) that I had somehow
mislead him and that my “NO” wasn’t clear enough. I know all too well now that
it really did happen, I was raped, and I had clearly told him “NO” and yet he
continued to force himself on me.
Several
things have been so crazy to me as I have been riding the waves of this wake.
The first is how I tried to justify my rapist’s actions. I tried to say that it
wasn’t exactly like he had raped me, I mean I hadn’t been beaten/bruised, even
though I said “No” maybe I somehow did something to make him think it was okay
(even though I know it was not my fault at all). Secondly, November 16 was a
Sunday. Monday is the day I went on my run and pooped my pants…yeah you
remember that story. Monday evening I became so sick. I had diarrhea, I was
throwing up…and I had to call out to work that Tuesday and Wednesday. I
developed an awful urinary tract infection and ended up having to take two
courses of antibiotics to clear it up completely. It’s truly astounds me how
much of not only an emotional toll it took on my body but a physical toll as
well. Thirdly,
I was surprised that after being raped I quickly found myself having consensual
sex with someone else for the first time in my life. It was almost as if I was trying to erase the
rape with an act that I allowed to happen with someone who had always previously
respected my "no". As if
sleeping with this person that actually "cared" about me would
somehow make the wrong of the rape right. But it didn't. I just felt
worse. It makes me wonder how much of the promiscuity of
our world is due to the fact that so many people have been sexually abused?
According to https://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims
, “1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed
rape in her lifetime.” That number is astounding to me and literally breaks my
heart. This article has been really eye opening and given me a lot of hope with
everything I have been dealing with: http://krishannah.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/understanding-what-rape-trauma-syndrome-rts-is/
I
have spent the last couple months being angry and eating my anger. I’m now
ready to let that anger go. I was hurt. I was raped. I was abused. I tried to
fix things on my own. I tried to find healing by sleeping with someone else and
came up empty handed and more desperate to find healing. Where I should’ve
looked for comfort, healing, and strength is to Christ. This world leaves us so
empty but thankfully I have a Savior who has come to give me, and everyone
else, life. According to John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill
and destroy. I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” The
thief has tried to rob me of my joy, faith, and hope…but thank God he is
greater than this world! This world is full of sinners in need of a Savior. I
have a desperate need to be forgiven but the hardest thing is that in order for
me to be forgiven I too need to give forgiveness. Matthew 6:14-15 says, “If you
forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But
if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Oh,
forgiveness. That word has been eating me alive this past week. I haven’t
wanted to forgive this man…because it seems that if I forgive him then that means
I’m okay with what happened. What I’m realizing is that forgiveness doesn’t
mean I am excusing his actions, rather, it means I am ceasing to feel resentment,
anger, and bitterness towards my abuser. According to merriam-webster
forgiveness is defined as, “to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done
something wrong).” I’m beyond ready to cease this anger from eating me alive
(literally)… so, to the man who raped me: I forgive you and I pray you find
forgiveness from my Lord and Savior because, “We must all appear before the
judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he
has done in the body, whether good or evil” (2 Corinthians 5:10).
I’m
sorry if you came here to read about weight loss and got a sermon instead…but
this is how I am healing. This is the only way I know to truly heal. The world
has and always will leave me empty, angry, alone, and longing for something
deeper. “But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar
high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and
not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31). I’m finding new strength. My value does not come
from this world but my value lies in Jesus and knowing that he says, “For I
know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for
evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11).
So
this year I’m praying that I continue to heal and help others along the way. I
will get below 200 pounds. I will run more half marathons. I’m sure I have
other goals for this year…I just can’t think of them at this time. For those of
you who may have been raped I pray for your healing. I pray you can forgive
your abuser and find hope and strength that you didn’t know you had. I know
that my God is greater than all of this. I know I will continue to have days
where I just want to eat my emotions and I just want to lay in bed and do the
opposite of going for my runs…but I am going to do what I’ve always done on
this journey, take it moment by moment, one step at a time, one day at a time.
This
is my prayer for all of you for the year 2015:
“‘“The
Lord bless you
and keep you;
the Lord
make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord
turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”’
-
Numbers 6:24-26
*I’d appreciate if you kept your comments to yourself on
this post... As Thumper’s mom would say, “If you can’t say nothing nice, don’t
say nothing at all!” Thank you.
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