Saturday, February 7, 2015

The Struggle

I have been struggling this week. My instinct is not to write about it because it's embarrassing and I'm frustrated with how long I have been stuck in this rut. I weighed myself this morning and was not shocked when 207 read across my scale. While I was out of town I did a really good job with my eating...then I came home and got crazy. I was telling my brother that it's so much easier for me to make good choices when I'm out with friends or on the road but when I get home I so easily give in to my binges. I said I didn't know why and he said, " I was with a friend yesterday and was showing her pictures of me (that I shared on last post). She has only known me for about 2 and a half years. She said the old pictures of me didn't look anything like me. Then she looked at me, smiled, and said, "Do you even realize how far you have come? Can you see all the amazing changes you have made this past year and a half? Do you know the strength you possess?" I've been so stuck and frustrated with myself over not getting below 200 and being so close and only having 30 more pounds to lose. I keep sabotaging myself and believing the lie that I am not capable of reaching my goal. I've been believing the lie that I'm never going to get ahold of my binge eating and that I'm just going to end up right back where I was at. I am seriously my own worst enemy. I want to scream at myself and say, "CANT YOU SEE HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME?! DONT GIVE UP!!!" and then there's that little voice that says, "yeah but you kinda're bound to just give up now!" 

Well this post is my way of telling that little voice to get the heck away from me. That is not who I am. I am not a failure..and though I may fall, and though I may back slide, and though there may be days where it all kinda sucks...I am not going to give up! 

I ran today. And on my run I started to hyperventilate thinking about when I couldn't even run a mile. When did I lose the fire? When did I lose focus? When did I lose the passion? I don't know but todays run fueled my fire. I ran 10 miles today in 1:54:41....which averaged out to an 11:24 minute/mile pace. When did that stop being so amazing to me? When did I stop being proud of myself and beating myself up for what still needs to be done? 

I sat down today and I wrote down all the reasons why I want to get to my goal weight. Here is what I came up with: To finally be at a healthy weight for my height (which I have never been in my entire life). To decrease my risks of cardiovascular disease, cancer, and diabetes. To prove to myself that even in the chaos and business of everyday life I can make the time for myself to improve my health. 

I then wrote down reasons why I run: To feel the freedom/pride/satisfaction that comes with going out and completing a run. To see progress made each time I go outside and hit the pavement. To watch my body change, improve, and grow as I continue to run. To be able to say, "yeah I just ran 10 miles!" in everyday conversation. To allow myself time to think, reflect, and grow. To learn how to stand up for myself...because each time when I chose to run instead of going out with friends to eat, instead of staying home and watching TV, instead of taking a nap or any other excuse...each time I chose to go run when I don't want to I am saying, "I deserve this, I am worth this, I value myself enough to make time for this" and then after I run the intense satisfaction is beyond worth it.

I needed to go ahead and write these things down today because it's hard to keep going when I don't remember why I'm doing it in the first place. These are all valid reasons to keep going. So Mondays weigh-in will suck. I will have gained weight from my 201 weigh-in last week...but you know what, that's okay...because look how far I have already come and look at what I have learned! I feel that determination coming back. I feel my stubbornness working for me now instead of against me. I wish I could throw up all the junk I've put into my body this past week...but I can't...but I can learn from it, grow from it, change, and improve on it. That's what this coming week is going to be about. 

I really liked my verse of the day and I'm going to share it with y'all because it was the extra kicker for me today. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 How true this verse is. Food has never brought me comfort. It has distracted me, filled me up with empty calories, and left me desperate for more. I'm slowly learning that only God is my comforter. I can only find my rest, peace, and strength from Him. My hope and prayer is that through my trials, my affliction, my journey, my pain, and my struggle....I hope that I'm able to comfort someone else. I hope I am able to encourage, motivate, and lift you up. I hope I can shine a light into your dark situation. We are so valuable in the eyes of our Father. No one is a lost cause. No one is hopeless. But we have to lift up our heads, turn our faces, gather ourselves up and keep moving forward. 

I just wanted to leave you all with a quote from one of the speakers I got to hear at the Passion Conference while I was in Houston! I'll try to write again until then I'll leave you with this:

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