|This is where I'm at...and it's beautiful!|
Well look who we have here: ME! I know, it has been a while. I haven't wanted to write about the struggle. I have felt like a failure and I've been super disappointed with where I'm at. Admitting that sucks. Alas, it's time to stop hiding and get back to the grind. So...here it goes! I weighed in yesterday at 277.6. 2 weeks ago I was back at 280. Seeing that number terrified me. 20 pounds from being back in the three-hundreds. It has been a quick climb back to this 277...in the last year I have gained 60 pounds. That's humiliating, frustrating, embarrassing, and dissapointing. I didn't know where to start with this post back so I've decided to just write myself a letter. On a hike today I had this thought and a mentor of mine mentioned just writing something for me...well this post is for me...I'm just letting you in on it:
I know you're frustrated and disappointed in yourself. I know that you feel like a failure. I know you're angry at yourself for allowing the weight to come right back on. I know you don't think that you can change. I know that you feel like there's no way to recover from this set back and move forward. I know you hate running right now because your physical conditioning is not what it had been. I know you hate getting dressed because all the cute clothes you bought last year don't fit right now. I know you hate working out outside because you're scared/terrified of what people might yell or throw at you. I know when you look in the mirror you feel like a failure...but sweet Maggie, YOU. ARE. ENOUGH!
You always were...you know how Beks gave you that pendant and that the Holy Spirit told her that necklace was for you because you needed that reminder...well, it's true! You, just as you are right now, are worth being loved, cherished, faught for, encouraged, and held, not because of how much you weigh but because you are YOU!
It's okay to be frustrated and even angry at where you are physically, but that does not make you any more or any less of a person. Yes, you have experienced life at a much lighter weight and know that it's much easier on you when you weigh less, but that doesn't mean you are a failure. You are a masterpiece. You're fearfully and wonderfully made. You are a leader, encourager, fighter, and an advocate. You're a friend, mentor, daughter and sister. You are loved. Did you hear me? You're loved! By your friends, family, church, and by our precious Lord and Savior. You are gifted, called, chosen, free, forgiven. You're a conquerer, an overcomer, and survivor.
Today as you were hiking there were memories everywhere of who you were a year ago, two years ago, and more. Look at how you have grown. Look at how you have allowed the Holy Spirit to move through you, transform your heart, and use you. Look at how you've overcome sexual abuse and the tidal wave of poor decisions that followed after that. Look at how you've grown in your career and seen God faithfully guide you each step. Look at how you've seen God protect you and how He is teaching you to trust in His timing.
Mags, you're not a failure. And don't you dare stop this journey. 'Cause you're worth it. Listen up kid, YOU'RE WORTH IT! You won't be worth it when you're 20, 50, 70, or 100 pounds lighter...you're worth it now. So don't let fear and doubt ruin your life. Don't let the enemy come in and distract you with "what ifs" and the "I can'ts" because you can! So push on you beast. Ask for help when you need it. Run when you don't want to. Lift when it hurts. Push when you feel you have nothing left. Persevere, endure, and you will succeed! 98 and 3/4% guaranteed!
I love you! And I'm thankful for where you're at. I'm thankful you've seen where you've been and what you're capable of. Im so glad you know what you can do. I'm glad you have loving friends and family who are just waiting to walk through this with you. You're not alone. You are loved. And you're worth this fight! So go kick some butt you sexy beast!
|My sweet necklace from Beks:|
"You are enough" and the back says,
"You always were"