Vulnerable

Hi. My name is Maggie and I'm an overeater. I'm really great at making excuses..."I just worked 12+ hours" or "I have to be at work early" or "I don't feel well" or simply "I don't want to." Yeah, those have been my excuses lately. Unfortunately it's now catching up with me. My last weigh in I was 223.6 pounds. Last year I weighed 210.4 pounds...and I was running the Duke City Half Marathon. It's amazing what happens in a year, isn't it?! 

I know I wrote a lot about this in the past...but I'm bringing back the struggle of emotional eating. You know what I'm talking about? When you just got off of work, you were on your feet for 12+ hours, got thrown up on, a new project thrown your way, and you know you should go to the gym but as soon as you walk in your house that chocolate chip cookie and glass of milk just seems to be beckoning you in...begging you to come and taste the gooey deliciousness it possess. The only problem, however, is if you give an overeater a cookie and milk...she's going to want 5 more...and then once the cookies are gone she's going to have a bowl of cereal...and maybe a spoonful of cookie butter, and don't even get me started on the cheesecake sitting in the fridge. Yes....the struggle is real. It's not beautiful. As a matter of fact it's rather repulsing...and while I'm quite aware of my uncomfortable state I continue to stuff and stuff...chasing down all my emotions until I don't feel anything except the excruciating stomach ache I now possess. 

I am uncomfortable. I realize this is a vicious cycle that is repeating itself and it has to stop now. No one else can change it for me. I'm solely responsible for my actions. I put the food in my mouth. I have to take responsibility for my actions and hold myself accountable. I have to cultivate discipline in my life. As we all know motivation is a fleeting moment. Motivation only lasts for a day or two. If true change is to occur I must discipline myself. I must come back to the place where excuses are exactly that...an excuse. I do have time...I'd just rather not spend it in the gym or out running...but then I remember how I feel after I run...okay maybe I can squeeze in a run. 

I know I'm all talk at this point. I'm going to have to back up this blog with action. Something I'm realizing though...is I'm worth it. I had somehow forgotten that over the past year. I somehow lost sight of the fact that I was fighting for my worth, my health, my spirit. I was standing up for what I didn't have the ability to stand up for in other areas of my life. When someone tried to tell me I had no worth, tried to take my value away, and tried to tell me my no had no value...well, they were wrong. Now all I have to say is, "Watch me!" It's so easy for me to see the potential in others. There are areas in peoples' lives that I so desperately wish they could see their value and how much worth they have...but I can't. I can speak life and truth into them...but I can't make them believe it. However, I can believe my own value. I can practice what I preach. 

I love Fall! It is my favorite time of year. Last year I spent a lot of time running along the Bosque in the middle of the afternoon. I love that I can run practically any time of day without worrying about melting on a run! I also happen to love all of the fun runs that there are this time of year! I'm going to run The Great Pumpkin Chase the morning of Halloween...and for November I'm going to run a turkey trot and the Virtual Runner's Best Friend: Toilet Day 5K! Hahaha...yes...I'm doing it for the medal...a port-a-potty! You all remember my lovely story from the Dallas Rock 'N Roll 5K...and if you don't, read at your own discretion!  

Needless to say, I've got a bone to pick with port-a-potties...

So that's me...being vulnerable, honest, and scared! I know I can do this! I know I can reach my goals. I know I have not set unreasonable goals. I know my potential. I just have to do. So here's to the discipline of doing!