Thursday, March 19, 2015


Oh I have missed you! You possess a simply beauty. You house two of my most favorite people in the world. You're where I ran 7 miles straight for the first time without stopping. You're where I realized a bit of my potential. Dallas is where I had my first taste of hope...and my coming now could not have come at a better time! I love being with my brother and sister-in-law...and this year for the Rock 'N Roll I get to share the experience with my two oldest sisters...and my mom will be here to help baby-sit and cheer as we all participate in the half-marathon! I got to fly in this morning while everyone else is on their way driving!! So here's a picture of me and David:

Awe, so sweet!!
My silence has been intentional. I haven't had much to say because I've been too busy finding something to eat instead of write. Since I made it under 200 I have successfully made it back over a matter of fact Monday I weighed in at 208! Ha! You know, I just wanted to make sure that I indeed despise the 200's and wanted to struggle one last time to get under 200 pounds...again.

The last two weeks I've began each day saying, "today you will not eat away your will deal with will not allow stress to rule the day" and then by the end of the day I've consumed about 4,000 calories and have the desire to throw-up everything I've consumed and am filled with the greatest amount of guilt for my poor decision making. I've been trying to remember my mindset, my determination, and my strength because I seem to be regressing and it has to stop now. 

My trip couldn't have come at a better time. Somehow vacations for me are a good time to "pull it together". It's a chance to hit the reset button and remember why I started in the first place. It's easy to feel like a failure and feel sorry for ones self...but I just need to be done with that...and done eating all the chocolate at work! It's easy whenever I get stressed out at work to just go grab a handful of chocolates and stuff them in my face...because that tastes so good...but does it really taste that good? I don't think I've ever eaten a handful of chocolate and said, "Wow! That was such a great way to spend my calories...that was worth the 500 calories I just consumed! Smart choice, Maggie!" No, my response is typically something like, "Dang just consumed half of your days calories and you're still hungry...that didn't even satisfy anything...UGH! Why did I do that? What was I thinking?! ARGGGG!" Now, don't get me wrong. There are times where I've allotted for chocolate or sweets and somehow that is way more rewarding than just stress eating...because of the intention behind the action. 

Anyways, I don't have much else to say on that. I just have to stop talking about it and start doing it. Whenever I'm on vacation I do much better with my my brother reminds me it's because people are watching! It's so weird because I have been so physically uncomfortable these past couple weeks with my overeating. I don't particularly remember but I think I must have always felt like that when I was at 320! I must have always felt that overwhelmingly full feeling...I had just become so used to it. Now I notice it so much. I get so bloated, my stomach will physically ache, I feel like the food is just sitting in the back of my throat waiting to be thrown up...luckily for me I HATE vomiting, which I'm so thankful because I could easily see how binging and purging could become a problem if I were able to make myself throw up. I just need to deal and confront situations right on instead of avoiding feeling emotions, handling situations, and having uncomfortable conversations. 

Alright...well enough depressing talk. I do have some good news to share. As always physical activity is not my problem. As a matter of fact this past Sunday I got to run a 10k with one of my nursing school friends. She has been a runner for a while and has been so afraid of the 10k distance! She doubted that she could make it that far...even though I knew she would not have any problem whatsoever! She asked me if I would run her first 10k with her...of course I said yes! A year ago I never would've imagined being asked by another runner to run a 10k with them for their first run. I never thought I'd be the person they'd want running with them, let alone be physically capable of running with them. It's the little things like that that I need to remind myself of! 

We finished in 1:09:11...not only did she complete
her first 10k...but I had a PR by 3 minutes!!
So with all of that being said...being here in Dallas has brought me back to that feeling of hope. The reminder that I can, I am, and I will do this! I have a picture I'll share with y'all before I go (sorry for the novel). I took this picture of me when I was at 272 pounds (wearing a size M...which clearly didn't fit) because I wanted to be able to take a picture of me in it when it does fit. I wear a "unisex" size M now and while I don't have a picture of me in that exact shirt, because I've been slacking...I do have a picture of me in another unisex size M shirt and if nothing else I'm posting these for me. Because I need to see where I have been and how far I have come. I need to remind myself that I am not a failure and that a few crummy weeks does not define the overall picture. So...with that being said enjoy and I'll write again as soon as possible!

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