How do I pick myself back up?

     These past few months and weeks particularly, I have weighed myself and wanted to deny the number that I see... 294, 296, 295, 299, 301, 297. When I saw that next to last number I didn't even allow myself to feel the gravity of it. Three-hundred pounds...AGAIN! How did I get back here? It didn't happen overnight. It has been a consistent progression over the last year and a half. It's not like I suddenly lost support from those who were there for me at the beginning...as a matter of fact I have gained support in my work environment and in my friendships. I think I stopped allowing myself to feel. I also prioritized other things in front of myself. I also just didn't want to put in the work that needs to be done...I quit caring. Ouch. That's hard to write. I quit caring about myself...and not in a self-hate kind of way...I think I was allowed to be myself, and was loved in my skin, no matter my weight...and so I quit caring about my weight. I also started binge eating and emotional subduing my feelings with food. Oh, there it is. And now I look at my clothes from two years ago, I look in the mirror, and I can't believe that I am almost back to where I started..which was 320 pounds. So what now? How do I pick myself back up?

     I think the answer is where I started at the beginning of this journey. One day at a time. Slowly but surely. Doing today what I can do. I'm not going to run a half marathon today...but I can still run a mile. Albeit, slowly. At the beginning of the month I went and ran 2 miles...some can walk faster than I ran it...but it was my run and I finished. 

2.20 mi

Distance

34:33

Time

15:42 min/mi

Avg Pace

3 ft

Elev Gain

449 C

Calories

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300 m

1000 ft

Leaflet

Laps

 68.0°  18

     


     I know that I am strong and capable. However, right now, I'm allowing myself to feel the gravity of where I am in my journey. I also know that I have more inward work to do when it comes to binge eating and letting food be a source of comfort. Today is the first day in a long time that I have felt a desire to get outside and run. So I'm going to do that. It feels like fall and that's my favorite time to be outside running. So I'm going to go and as long as it takes, I will run a mile or two. I will start using myfitnesspal again and being conscious of the amount of calories I'm consuming.

      I feel overwhelmed with the amount of work that is ahead of me. I think that has been another aspect holding me back. I know how hard I have to work to see success on the scale. I'm not putting a number goal out there..because this time it's more than just reaching a number...it's about reaching a state of mind...that doesn't seek food for comfort, that doesn't run away from challenges, that doesn't feel intimidated by what others might think. I want to try new things. I don't want to be held back by the thought that I may not be good at something. I don't just want a physical change...for once in my life I'd like to have a healthy relationship with food. I'd like to be on the same team as food...not against it at the table. 

     So, while my goals may be a little different then when I first started this journey, how I pick myself back up isn't. I get up and I take one step at a time...one moment at a time...and one day at a time.