Untold Stories of Dallas: 5K (part 3)

Let me just preface this post by saying readers discretion is advised!! :D

Saturday March 21, 2015:

I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed Saturday morning…and no, I’m not lying about being bright eyed and bushy tailed…I know it’s hard to believe but occasionally I enjoy waking up early in the morning!! :D I quickly dressed, drank some coffee, had a Greek yogurt, tried to expel human waste and instead only had the pleasure of finding out I had just started my period. Ugh! I knew it was likely to happen…but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hope it would wait until Monday to make its bloody arrival. So I prepared myself determined not to let that ruin what was going to be a great run…and may have swallowed a couple ibuprofen just to be on the safe side! I will not apologize for being blunt about my lady business!! Yes, my uterine lining was in the process of shedding but I was about to shed the weight of this run off of my shoulders. I was ready to prove to myself what I could do.

David, Erika and I headed to the Dallas Fair Grounds and made it there with about 30 minutes to spare before the run. So we decided to hit up the lovely porta-potties before lining up for the run. We were in one line and then a lady came to us and said, “Go over there there’s no line at all”…so we went “over there” and yes, there was a line…so we waited a little more! As we were waiting Erika pointed to a stall that looked like it was open and said, “Is there anyone in there” I said I thought I had seen someone go in there but wasn’t sure. Well another lady walked out of her stall, pulled open the other stall that no one else was going into and said, “This one is open!” So Erika and David went to a couple other stalls that had opened up and I went into the open one and went about my business. I sat down, peed, cleaned up and as I pulled up my pants I felt the most horrendous feeling...

Slightly afraid I slowly drew my hand in front of my face and when I saw what was on my hand I nearly barfed…but y’all already know how I feel about throwing up. On my hand was poop…however, it was not my own poop…no it was the poop of some other lovely individual that had so graciously left a load on the toilet seat for me…and I, still adjusting the dawns early light somehow missed the fact that there was a massive turd on the toilet seat when I sat down. I frantically reached for the toilet paper (which thank heaven there was plenty in my stall) and wiped away at my hand…I then looked at my underwear and panicked when I saw the poop now all over my underwear. I cleaned it up as much as possible but didn’t want to take my underwear off since I had just started my lovely menses! Of course there was no hand sanitizer in my stall…so I had to go out and try and seek help (after cleaning up as much as possible in the stall)!

I came out of that stall slightly (extremely) fuming. I may have even said to Erika and David as I walked towards them, “I’m so pissed right now, I literally just sat in someone’s shit!” My lovely brother also brought to my attention the fact that if I didn’t realize I sat in someone else’s stool then that meant that it was warm enough that my body didn’t realize what had happened to it. UP-CHUCK NOISE …Erika and David could already smell me...I told Erika I still had my underwear on and didn’t know if I should take it off…she looked at my backside and lifted up my shirt and said, “OH MY GOSH ITS ON YOUR PANTS!!!!” I was now about to freaking lose it and so I decided I was going to take off my underwear. David went to where the finish line was set up and asked a lovely lady if he could get a water bottle…once he flashed his dashing smile her way well she melted and handed him a bottle willingly. I then went into another stall, down the way where no one was (clearly these were the stalls the prior lady had mentioned to us...because there was no one around that area) and started the process of taking off my shoes, my leggings, and then my underwear. I used the clean part of my underwear as a washcloth to clean as much of my behind that I could with the water David had retrieved for me. I washed my hand a little more but I still reeked of the foul odor. I then threw my underwear into the great abyss and set my water bottle on the toilet paper stand while I redressed. Of course, as I was dressing my water bottle fell and spilt all over my shoe and I was one more tragedy away from losing it! Once I was redressed I used about a cup of hand sanitizer but could not rid myself of the repulsive smell…so once I was outside David poured the water for me to allow me to “wash” my hands which did indeed take the odor away from my hands…but not from my butt!

I’m fairly certain even the flies stayed away from me…you may think I’m exaggerating for the sake of telling the story…but this poop smelt like sickness…it smelt completely vulgar. Well...once I was as cleaned up as I could be we had 2 minutes until the start so we snapped a quick selfie and jumped into the middle of the coral…lucky for me I stunk so bad no one had any problem clearing the way for me!!

pretty sure you can tell by David's smile he's a bit repulsed...hey on a quick side not we totally matched and didn't even coordinate that!! :D Sibling power!!!

I honestly don’t know how any of us are smiling (in the picture) at this point because up until now it had been extremely traumatic…but we were still alive and I still had a goal I wanted to accomplish!

I think in a way it was “nice” that I had that experience because I literally had no time to think about the run. I literally jumped in the line and they started letting people go in waves…so without much thought we were off! The first mile was awesome…and David looked at me and I saw the cautious look on his face as he asked how I was doing and I said, “great!” Truth is…the poop fueled my hate fire…and I stunk so bad I just wanted to be done so I could go shower! The second mile also went really well…at one point David said he was pulling in the reigns because I was a little over zealous with my pace and so we slowed it down a bit. Starting the third mile I started to question myself a little but did okay until about half way through the third mile. I started to panic and pant and freak myself out. I saw this girl that I had been watching and trying to keep up with just shoot ahead as she raced to the finish line…and then it started. The voices that said, “you can’t do this…you’re a failure…just walk…tap out now” But Erika caught on right away and said, “you’re doing great keep going Maggie!” She told me I was almost there and said I couldn't quit now. But I didn’t believe her. I started to fall behind and she said something along the lines of, “You’re as strong as you chose to be in this moment…now go catch up with David…stop panicking” I tried but started panting more and was telling myself lies and lies and more lies…and then with about a quarter of a mile left Erika came next to me and said, “finish what you started…now go…sprint…push it” and she gently pushed me and I gave it everything I had and pushed my little stinky behind to the finish line…and when I finished I wanted to puke and cry because I knew I had done it. Without even looking at my watch I knew what I had accomplished!

My official finish time: 28:54 with a pace of 9:18!! I didn’t just beat my goal of a sub 30 I obliterated it!! Ha!! Poopy butt and all I did it!! And let me tell you…victory never tasted so sweet!!

I believe that would be the face of: that just happened!

I believe that would be the face of pure delight!! :D

After we enjoyed our celebratory brewski and took a post run selfie we started to head home…Mostly because I couldn’t stand the way I smelt! I’m gagging now as I write this because I can still smell that awful, nasty, disgusting odor in my nostrils! However, before we left the park we took a group picture next to woolly the mammoth thanks to a lovely lady whose picture I took before asking her if she would take our picture…we would later meet her again!

Woolly the Mammoth!

I went home…showered…and David, bless his heart, washed my pants not once but twice…just for good measure…and I made sure to scorch several layers of my skin off in the hot water! Yuck! Well…at least I can say this: that was an experience I will not soon forget! Hahaha!

After we were all cleaned up we went to the Dallas Arboretum and enjoyed the blooming tulips and lovely scenery that the Arboretum has to offer! Here are just a few of the glorious sites we saw there:

It's tradition now that David and I take a picture
in front of the kissing couple...AWKWARD!! :D

Me and my soul sister!

After a glorious time at the Arboretum we made our way back to David and Elise’s where we had our traditional pasta dinner!! Simply delicious meal that I forgot to take a picture of…so you’ll have to use your imagination here! Pasta, with veggies, sausage, a tomato sauce, and the taste of heaven…hope that was descriptive enough for you to visualize! After dinner we started getting ready for bed since we had a strict bedtime of 2100 knowing we had to be up bright and early the next morning to catch the Dart to the start line!! However, my darling brother kept me up by forcing me to help him assemble some homemade tiramisu! Okay, he didn’t force me…he just looked at me with his sleepy, sweet, puppy eyes and asked if I wanted to help him…and I said yes! :D But after that we quickly hopped into bed…ready for what the next day had in store for us!!

Untold Stories of Dallas (Part 2)

Before I share with you my next post from Dallas I'll keep y'all up-to-date on my latest weigh in. Today I weighed in at 200.4 pounds. Almost back under. For the first time in my life I had strep throat and so I haven't been running like I would like but it has also helped constrict my calorie consumption. Yesterday was my first day back on real foods...and it was glorious! ;) I'm hoping to have enough energy to run this week and get back into the swing of things! I have other news to share...but this post will be long enough...so until then, enjoy!

Friday March 20, 2015:

Friday morning started off with a run bright and early, actually it was so early it wasn’t even bright yet! Olivia, Erika, David, and myself all ran a lovely 5k! Running with family is so much fun! I highly recommend it. Not only do you get to enjoy the sound of each others farts, I mean the sound of their feet…you also have the pleasure of conversation. Running brings out the honestly and intellect in everyone and there’s nothing more delightful than a loving and encouraging conversation with siblings while reaping the benefits of some cardiovascular exercise! We got home, David made us all a lovely cup ‘o Joe and he headed off to work so he could meet us later that afternoon at the expo.

Before going to collect our packets and hit up the expo we got to hit up the Dallas Farmers Market!! One of my most favorite things…since it was a weekday it wasn’t as massive as it can be on the weekend but I still loved it! The fruit and veggies are so fresh and colorful and massive! The food stands have samples of their products cut up for you to taste…it’s just so much fun!

We were going to hit up Clyde Warren Park…however, it was drizzling and it was decided it would just be best to head over to the expo and let the boys run around in an area before we actually walked through the event and while we waited for David to get off work and meet up with us! We drove across the way to the convention center and found the perfect area where the boys could run around outside (under a covered area) and burn off some of their boyish energy and we (me, Erika, Olivia, and Mom) could wait inside and keep an eye on them through the glass doors!

While we were watching the boys we started talking and Erika looked at me and said, “So, 207 huh?” Darn…she had read my post from the day before! We started talking about how I had just gotten out of control. At work I would eat anything and everything within reach and then when I got home I would eat anything and everything within site…be it 3 Belvita packages, 2 yogurts, 2 bags of popcorn, a bowl of cereal, and anything else I could cram into my already aching and throbbing stomach. I then went on to confess that I had tried to make myself throw up. I literally went to the toilet and stuck my finger down my throat to try to expel every poor decision I had just made into the toilet. As I’ve mentioned before, I HATE the throw up…so attempting to make myself vomit is nearly impossible! I’m queen of gagging and keeping it all down…it’s a gift…and a curse when I’m really sick and really need to just throw up. I said how embarrassed I was to even confess to the fact that I had tried to make myself throw up. I was ashamed and knew better, however, neither Erika, Olivia, or Mom looked at me with disappointment. They looked at me with understanding, compassion, and love. They didn’t shame me or make me feel worse. They just listened, understood, and helped me talk it out. It makes me ache for those who are ashamed of their eating disorders. It made me wonder how many struggle in silence feeling the guilt of where there at and being afraid of what others may think…and so instead of reaching out they suffer in silence. Let me just say this. If you have an eating disorder, be it anorexia, binge eating, bulimia…please do not be ashamed! Seek help; find someone you trust to talk to. If you don’t think there’s anyone you can confide it call a hotline where you can seek guidance and help. For example National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) has a hotline 1-800-931-2237. You’re not a failure, you’re not a mess up, you are worth fighting for, you are worth getting healthy for, and you are worth the help! Do not be ashamed! Do not be embarrassed! 

So as we talked the boys played happily outside for about an hour and then David was off work and able to meet up with us…and then the real fun began!

 Dallas Rock ‘N Roll Expo!! One of my favorite events…as you all know! When you walk in the first thing you do is pick up your race bib, participant shirt, and bag. From there you walk through and there are vendors everywhere! Booths set up left and right with different items from clothing to headbands to shoes to Dunkin Donuts coffee to kineseo tape etc etc etc. Many of the tables will give away samples (my favorite part)! We collected a decent amount of loot…however, I failed to capture a picture of everything so my sincerest apologies! You’ll just have to visualize a bag overflowing with items like ice packs, ponchos, wafer samples, pens, etc. We knew Sunday had the potential to be drizzly in the morning so David and I went back to several different tables where they were giving out ponchos and collected 6 ponchos!! Just to be safe!! :D Anything that you throw off to the side along the course is collected and then donated so it works out perfectly to be able to do that.

In addition to collecting our loot we also signed up for next years half marathon in Dallas since it was at the lovely discounted price of $50…it’s basically becoming a family tradition now…the rest of my family just has to get onboard ;) Hehehehe! For signing up early we got a free shirt too…and I mean, honestly, who doesn’t love a free t-shirt?

Upon departing the expo we took our pictures with the infamous Dallas B_G sign!!! So here are a few pictures from that:

Olivia, Me, Mom, David, Adrian, Erika. In the B is Ander, In the G is Andrik and Ezra

<3 Sisters!! Olivia, me, and Erika

After the expo we all headed back to David and Elise’s to chow down on some dinner, enjoy each other’s company, and play with the kiddos! It was a fun evening…at one point Erika asked Ezra (Olivia’s youngest boy) what he loved about Adrian (Olivia’s oldest boy). Initially he was having a hard time coming up with anything so Erika gave an example of what she loves about Olivia and…once that started well…we all caught on and started going around the room and sharing what we loved about one another…and if you know anything about Rosecrans women well then you probably safely guessed it quickly turned into a sob fest. You know, it’s amazing how speaking life into others speaks life into you. I’ve never said something nice to someone and said to myself, “Gosh, I wish I wouldn’t have said that…I wish I never wouldn’t complimented that person…I feel worse after saying that!” No! It’s normally the opposite…like “Why didn’t I say something sooner? Look how much joy that brought them” It was fun to fill each other’s buckets with words of truth, love, and life!

After dinner it was time for bed…because after all…I had a sub 30 5K to run in the morning. David was going to be my pacer and Erika was going to be my motivator/encourager and together we would finish what I set out to start! 

Untold Stories of Dallas (Part 1)

Oh my goodness…I can’t believe It has been 2 weeks since the Rock ‘N Roll half marathon. I’ve been working on putting together my blog post(s) since I’ve been home…and as you may have guessed things have been a little busy here! So I apologize it has taken a while to get these posted, however, I have a few posts to share so you’ll be able to catch up over the next few days! I won’t bombard you all at once (because I actually want you to come back and not get scared off by the enormity of all I have to say)! So without further to do I will share my writings from the day I arrived in Dallas…Thursday, March 19, 2015:

Thursday after writing my post I went for a 5k run while David and Elise were at work and everyone else was on their way into town. I ran my first mile in just under 10 minutes and then I began to panic and my second mile I ran in just under 12 minutes. Then I tried to calm myself down and pick up the pace on the third mile. I saw a woman running in front of me and I thought how natural and fast she looked running and desperately wished I could look like that. I heard the lie in my head saying, “well…too bad…because you suck…you’ll never run well…you’re slow…and you’re never going to run the 30 minute 5k that you want to do Saturday…you’re going to mess it up and panic and freak-out and fail!” and right in the middle of those thoughts running through my mind I heard a small voice saying, “stop thinking of yourself as a failure…you’re continually sabotaging yourself and thinking of yourself as a failure. You’re strong, you’re capable, and you can run well, and you can get to 170…now push yourself!” and so I ran…and I ran hard. When my watch beeped for 3 miles I looked down at my watch and I was running around a 9 min/mile pace! My average pace ended up being 32:45:5 so a 10:34 pace:

I don’t particularly know what flip was switched…but it was definitely flipped! It’s like all the lies I had believed were finally laid out in front of me and were no longer sugar coated (much to my sugar loving dismay). I saw them for what they were: LIES. In a lot of ways I live my life anticipating my failure. Waiting for the fall…waiting for the gain…waiting for the disappointment…waiting for the let down. Well it’s life and those things will come inevitably but they’d come a lot less frequently if I didn’t sabotage myself along the way. So in that moment I chose to believe what was true…that I am capable of running and running well, that I am capable of losing weight, that I am capable of succeeding, and that I have what it takes to run the 5k in 30 minutes or less. Whenever those nagging and negative thoughts or doubts that I wouldn’t be able to run my 5k in under 30 minutes came up I would just visualize myself succeeding and say, “Yes you can…and yes you will!”

It’s amazing the difference a change in your mindset can make in your daily life. When you chose to listen to what is true and stop believing the lies that you tell yourself or that other people yell at you or that you read on Internet. We’re constantly attacked with the lie that we’re not good enough, that we have to make ourselves better to be worth something, that we have to fit into an image to be able to chase our dreams, or that we have to accomplish so much to be worthy of being loved or accepted.  

Something that has always amazed me is how people have believed in me this entire journey. Even though I’ve had success there are so many days where I’ve wanted to quit and felt that I couldn’t make one more step in the right direction. I’ve felt that eventually I’m just going to binge myself back up to 320+ and this all would have been for naught. In those moments and on those days there would always be someone who would come along me as I was feeling the desire to toss in the towel and say, “You’re doing amazing! You’re so close to your goal! Look how far you’ve come! You’ve encouraged me! You’ve motivated me! You’ve given me hope to fight my own battles. You’re going to get there! You’re going to succeed” and others belief in me has spurred me on.

It’s always easy to see potential in someone else and see that they’re capable of finishing something…but we are our own worst enemy and we can be so self-destroying sometimes! We doubt our abilities…give up early…and sell ourselves short of our full potential. I don’t want to do that. I want to stop eating like I’m going to binge, I want to stop running like I’m going to fall, and I want to stop living like I’m going to fail. So what am I going to do tomorrow? Ha! I’m gonna run a sub 30 5K!

Hope

Oh Dallas...how I have missed you! You possess a simply beauty. You house two of my most favorite people in the world. You're where I ran 7 miles straight for the first time without stopping. You're where I realized a bit of my potential. Dallas is where I had my first taste of hope...and my coming now could not have come at a better time! I love being with my brother and sister-in-law...and this year for the Rock 'N Roll I get to share the experience with my two oldest sisters...and my mom will be here to help baby-sit and cheer as we all participate in the half-marathon! I got to fly in this morning while everyone else is on their way driving!! So here's a picture of me and David:

Awe, so sweet!!

My silence has been intentional. I haven't had much to say because I've been too busy finding something to eat instead of write. Since I made it under 200 I have successfully made it back over 200...as a matter of fact Monday I weighed in at 208! Ha! You know, I just wanted to make sure that I indeed despise the 200's and wanted to struggle one last time to get under 200 pounds...again.

The last two weeks I've began each day saying, "today you will not eat away your emotions...you will deal with them...you will not allow stress to rule the day" and then by the end of the day I've consumed about 4,000 calories and have the desire to throw-up everything I've consumed and am filled with the greatest amount of guilt for my poor decision making. I've been trying to remember my mindset, my determination, and my strength because I seem to be regressing and it has to stop now. 

My trip couldn't have come at a better time. Somehow vacations for me are a good time to "pull it together". It's a chance to hit the reset button and remember why I started in the first place. It's easy to feel like a failure and feel sorry for ones self...but I just need to be done with that...and done eating all the chocolate at work! It's easy whenever I get stressed out at work to just go grab a handful of chocolates and stuff them in my face...because that tastes so good...but does it really taste that good? I don't think I've ever eaten a handful of chocolate and said, "Wow! That was such a great way to spend my calories...that was worth the 500 calories I just consumed! Smart choice, Maggie!" No, my response is typically something like, "Dang it...you just consumed half of your days calories and you're still hungry...that didn't even satisfy anything...UGH! Why did I do that? What was I thinking?! ARGGGG!" Now, don't get me wrong. There are times where I've allotted for chocolate or sweets and somehow that is way more rewarding than just stress eating...because of the intention behind the action. 

Anyways, I don't have much else to say on that. I just have to stop talking about it and start doing it. Whenever I'm on vacation I do much better with my eating...as my brother reminds me it's because people are watching! It's so weird because I have been so physically uncomfortable these past couple weeks with my overeating. I don't particularly remember but I think I must have always felt like that when I was at 320! I must have always felt that overwhelmingly full feeling...I had just become so used to it. Now I notice it so much. I get so bloated, my stomach will physically ache, I feel like the food is just sitting in the back of my throat waiting to be thrown up...luckily for me I HATE vomiting, which I'm so thankful because I could easily see how binging and purging could become a problem if I were able to make myself throw up. I just need to deal and confront situations right on instead of avoiding feeling emotions, handling situations, and having uncomfortable conversations. 

Alright...well enough depressing talk. I do have some good news to share. As always physical activity is not my problem. As a matter of fact this past Sunday I got to run a 10k with one of my nursing school friends. She has been a runner for a while and has been so afraid of the 10k distance! She doubted that she could make it that far...even though I knew she would not have any problem whatsoever! She asked me if I would run her first 10k with her...of course I said yes! A year ago I never would've imagined being asked by another runner to run a 10k with them for their first run. I never thought I'd be the person they'd want running with them, let alone be physically capable of running with them. It's the little things like that that I need to remind myself of! 

We finished in 1:09:11...not only did she complete
her first 10k...but I had a PR by 3 minutes!!

So with all of that being said...being here in Dallas has brought me back to that feeling of hope. The reminder that I can, I am, and I will do this! I have a picture I'll share with y'all before I go (sorry for the novel). I took this picture of me when I was at 272 pounds (wearing a size M...which clearly didn't fit) because I wanted to be able to take a picture of me in it when it does fit. I wear a "unisex" size M now and while I don't have a picture of me in that exact shirt, because I've been slacking...I do have a picture of me in another unisex size M shirt and if nothing else I'm posting these for me. Because I need to see where I have been and how far I have come. I need to remind myself that I am not a failure and that a few crummy weeks does not define the overall picture. So...with that being said enjoy and I'll write again as soon as possible!

One-derland!

I've been fighting for this day for far too long. Today my weigh-in left me with a smile on my face! For the first time in ages I saw a 1 at the beginning of my weight! When was the last time I was in the 100's? Probably about 5th grade! I honestly don't remember that last time I was under 200 pounds. Today I weighed in at 198.6!!! I even took a picture (after stepping on and off of the scale about 10 times):

One-derland!!!!

Of all the weeks that I would've thought I'd get below 200...this was not the week I thought it would happen. I took all of last week off from running because of a cold. While I was being way more cautious of what I was eating since I wasn't exercising I never would've thought that I'd lose that much. Last Monday I had actually gained weight putting me at 202.2 so I had gained 1.8 pounds. Now to keep the scale from going back above 200..I don't even want to see that again! 

The Dallas Rock 'N Roll Half Marathon is less than three weeks away! I'm so excited to be headed out there again to log some miles in the beautiful city of Dallas with my family! I was really impressed with how the Rock 'N Roll was put together last year and I'm excited to do it again...and go the full 13.1 miles this time!! 

I ran 5 miles today. It was definitely slower than I would've liked at a 12 minute/mile pace but that's okay. I'm just thankful I was able to get out and do it. It was overcast and beautiful running weather. There weren't that many people out though walking/biking/running...for which I was thankful as I had an abundance of phlegm and was spitting loogie-rockets every couple minutes...no targets to fall victim to my spit ;) Y'all know how good I am at tagging running targets with my spit! 

It has been a while since I've Rosie'd it up! ;)

The day I went below 200 pounds! :D

Well I know that's not the best update...but it will have to do for now until I have more time to write!! I was reminded today on my run that it's not about how fast you run...it's about running the race with endurance and perseverance. We're all covering the same distance. Some faster and more efficiently than others...but what matters is that we never give up, we get up when we fall, and we push on and finish with our heads held high! Have a great week!